Results out....

Early in the morning..before I was even fully awake...my mind was thinking about my results...half asleep but I was already worry bout my result..I was praying.."God, please..please..please...let me pass..just a pass..a D will do. Please don't let me fail." I was really worry, I worry that I could hardly pass the paper....Woke up & checked my results online...my heart was leaping out of my chest...Was feeling so nervous...my heart flipped and dance inside me when I saw my results..."YEAH YEAH!! I PASS AND NOT ONLY PASS, IT IS BETTER THAN THAT!!!" Feel so happy :) Thank you God, Praise You!

Yesterday...when for photo shooting. It was a bit tiring but kinda fun :)

Another day of my life....

Nothing much today...did what I usually did on Thurs..class & cell group @ nite. Today cell was special as we decided last minute to celebrate birthday for a special friend of ours..We changed our program 45 minutes before our cell starts and plan a surprise birthday party on the spot. Watched August Rush...really touching, awesome and amazing musical movie. Our wish for our special friend is.....

"Calvin @ Siu Keong,
We wish you happy always and all the best in your life. Wish you success and joyful always."

Birthday boy making a wish.....




One family.....

Clarence...model "yeng chai" wannabe :D

CLoudy day....

My mood seems to match today's weather..Feeling groggy when I woke up and as it started to rain and rain and rain....and when the sun began to hide behinds those big dark heavy clouds....thats when my mood turn cloudy and down. Few my friends whom I talked to seem to be in a groggy and low energy mood as well....is this how SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) patient feels?? They will feel down and "depress" when there is no sun, especially during winter... I wonder...how would sun or brightness affects one emotion...

emotions <-----> pituitary gland (secretion of hormone) - influence mood/emotion (serotonin)
emotions <-----> brightness (light/sun)

so, what's the connection between ...

brightness (light/sun) <----> pituitary gland (secretion of hormone) - influence mood/emotion
(serotonin)

God's provision..

Once again, I experienced provision from our faithful provider....was troubled by this semester fees on Sunday..had some issue and complication and express to God, trusting that He will never fail to provide me and that He will make a way for me..Within minutes, my prayer was answered. A brother offered his help and everything is settled now..I didn't even need to ask and I just receive the offer from him..This is one of the many times I experience His faithfulness in providing me. Thank you Father, thank you brother... I will appreciate it and will do my very best in my last few papers as my promise and commitment to you both. I will be more focus and not allowing myself to be distracted. That is my promise to you....

Things getting back to normal...

I was feeling better yesterday though in the morning, before I could do anything, and right after I open my eyes...I greeted the morning with tears again. The whole day, I was lying down on the sofa watching dvd and feeling tired as if all energy has been zapped out from my body...thats what emotional pain and distress can do to our physical body. I was suppose to prepare for my exam today but for the whole 10 hours plus, I couldn't get myself to do anything else. But I did not cry anymore and actually felt better, lots better and emotionally more stable. Thank you so much my dearest brother,sisters and friends for your support and for being there. Thank you for being such a wonderful gift to me. Hugs! Love you guys.

Finally, my mood did improve and I felt much much better. I began to prepare for my exam and studying my notes. Thanks Rachel and Nana for your wish in MSN yesterday night. I told myself to focus on what I need to focus and my responsibilities as a student. I do not want to let other things distract me any more and I really want to do well in today's paper cause I believe I can do it if only I pay a little attention and put heart to it.

Just finished the exam. It was quite easy and straight forward. Looking forward for the next test in 2 or 3 more weeks time..I want to do better and my very best.

WHY???

So broken....so hurt...so painful...I just can't stop crying. When I heard that news, my heart was so heavy and broken. I dunno how to describe the feelings that I feel at that moment...pain, hurt, anger, bitter, hate! I was speechless, no words come out from my mouth, I dunno what to say or how to form words to describe how I feel. I can only cry n cry n cry...and yet no words I can use to describe the pain in heart that I am feeling. My heart feel so heavy, I feel difficult to breath. I feel I want to explode. Why do you have to do this to me?? I dun want to hate you but I really feel so bitter towards you now. I "hate" you for all these pain, for all these pressure and condemnation that you make me feel. You said that your intention is well and cause you love me but is this love? You never consider my feelings and never take my words and expression and yet conclude things based on wht you want to believe and mind set. I just cant take this anymore. The more you try to "help" the more you damage me. You are not helping. Please leave me alone. I dont need all these pain...You only do what you think like doing but you never consider my feelings and well being or is this the right way? All that you do so far, is not help but a emotional torture to me. I really feel like giving up..even right now as I am typing this, tears of pain and hurt would not stop flowing. So much pain. So broken. I am tired of you looking down on me, judging me. Who never do wrong before? As you 100% those that you so look high upon, is 100% righteous? Or you are just too blinded with your personal view? I really feel want to give up as I cry and cry...I feel this pain is to much to bear...I feel like leaving...enough is enough! Till when do you want to bring misery and pain to my life? Please let me go and don't disturb me anymore. I still have a little respect for you but please don't make me hate you, really hate you.

Lord, please help me...I am falling apart...I will still hold on to the very end of the string that I am holding on right now. I donno how long more can I stand.

I will never let you go,
You've taken me from the miry clay,
Set my feet upon the rock and now I know,
I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go...
My Saviour, My closest friend,
I will worship You until the very end.....

30 Hour Famine

Heavy downpour but still high in spirit.

I've made it...my breakfast meal

Let's make a difference together

Cold and wet & yet still pressing on

200 balloons release as a symbol of HOPE

"We pledge to willingly and passionately participate in the Famine to help children living in poverty. We are fasting to ensure that no child has to grow up without the basic rights that he or she is entitled to. We are fasting because nothing will change if we do not take action together."

I made it again this year..it was a little of struggle with the temptation of good food @ El Sanctuary and this morning as I wake up, my body really feeling so low in energy and my hands were shaking. I was tempted to give up or to take some glucose drink...but I told myself to hang on..I have come this far for me to give up..I press on...to finish this race that I choose to race. A race to make a difference to the world..to the children out there.

As I stepped into the Hockey stadium @ Bukit Jalil this afternoon for final 4 hours countdown...all tiredness and feeling of hunger and weakness left me...I felt excited as I hear the voices of the few hundred campers cheering. It really touches my heart...and I felt emotional as I watch the crowd..all that willing to spend their time and going without food for 3o hours...its not easy but many turn up and be part of this group. Even when it started to rain, the crowd still in the best mood and attitude and remain under the rain despise not eating for the past 26 hours.

As I looked around the stadium, watching the crowd...I felt thankful for each and every of them..for playing a role in making a difference and care about those who are suffering.

Many times we complain too much, I am guilty of it myself. "Eee, this food not nice", "I don't like to eat this", "This food so small portion"....Have we ever be thankful that we have something to eat at least? Many times we also tend to complain, "so hot, no air con", "this mattress not nice to sleep", "this room so small"..... When we complain, are we aware that at the same time, when we have so much and yet still complaining, there are people at the other part of the world, suffering from cold and wet from the rain cause they have no proper shelter. As it rain and rain during the 4 hours, I was feeling cold and I wonder, is this how the children feels most of the day..cold and hungry or hot and hungry under burning sun. I don't know which is better, to feel hungry, cold and wet or feeling hungry and hot. I only have to face it for 4 hours and I can have a nice long hot shower after that...but those children and families.....what to they have?? what can they do??

Most of the people in countries like Laos, Cambodia,Africa, India and Myanmar, if they are lucky enough, they will have a "house", i hardly could consider it as a house for it is only as big as a queen size bed, with leaking "roof". The whole family lives in this small "house" and they sleep on the floor and obviously they do not have electricity or water tap. I have heard and seen many pictures of this but I saw it with my own eyes when I was at Cambodia feel months back.

The little thing that we can do is a huge difference to them. RM30 can feed a family there for a month. Imagine that..it only cost us one new outfit or one nice meal at Sushi King or Chilies and yet it mean a lot to them. This is how poor their conditions are. Children have to work and carry water everyday to earn for the family. At the same time, they are tired and feeling weak because they do not have a proper meal or maybe even without meal.

Imagine as we are in our comfortable home right now, a child out there is dying of hunger by the street or shivering in the cold as she or he trying to sleep by the road side..

"We cannot hope to change the world in one day, but we can make a difference in the little that we do"

Tomorrow
Lyrics: Goh Yii Jian, Francissa & Bibiana Peter
Music: Yise
Producer: Abraham Tee & Billy Ong@Mobimusic
Arrangement: Ian Tee

小小的眼光
失去了光芒
即使小小的手掌
也有权飞翔

大大的梦想
失去了力量
哪儿有大大的肩膀
温暖他心房

明天孩子们会有希望
会长出耀眼的翅膀
照着那温暖的风和光
轻轻地飞扬

The world we live in can do with giving
A child today is a child of our tomorrow
I've seen the children who have been broken
By wars and hunger and natural disaster
So broken

When tomorrow comes we must have hope

We must reach out to every single child
When tomorrow comes we spread our love
And make it a better day

生活会有悲和喜
We've gotta pray and do our best
只有伸出我们的手
To bring you a better a tomorrow

明天孩子们会有希望
会长出耀眼的翅膀

HUngry!!!

My chalet

Resting place outside my chalet

This are the food that they had for dinner today @ El Sanctuary

Feeling so hungry now...its only 11.41pm....about 16 more hours to go now...A lot of food is appearing in my mind and I am yearning for so many types of food...."I wan KFC", "I wan steamboat", even cup noodles is so appealing to me right now.

Just now...as I watch they preparing the BBQ chicken for dinner, it looks so tempting..the aroma of it and the look of it..Watching everyone eat all good food and BBQ, I can only watch but not eat. And at that moment, it just came across my mind...is this what the children and the poor feels? They are hungry most of the time, no money to buy any food and they can only watch and watch as they walk by shops that sells bread or food...and seeing people eating in the restaurant.

We always take food for granted but imagine what the child is feeling as she or he looks into the window of the restaurant or shop...wishing they could have a bite...

I can go on...I can fast for 30 hours only cause of 1 reason. Only one thing thats keeps me going and pressing on no matter how tempted I feel to give up... My pain is nothing as compared to them...my suffering and hunger is only temporary as compared to those that are homeless and have to suffer from hunger nearly every moment of their life. Everyday they could only have 1 meal the most but most of the time....they suffer from hunger...

God, please break my heart for what breaks Yours when You see Your people suffering.

I learn again this year..more of a reminder...be thankful and never take things for granted! Never complain for what we have but be thankful that we have it. No matter how little we have...still be thankful for the little that we have...

A busy day...

Today is a busy day..whole day from the time i wake up till now one after another.. but I feel contented and happy :)
This afternoon was my first class for this semester, elective class (Business study)I find myself enjoying the lecture so much.. i think too many psychology papers all these years...business is something fresh and so straight forward :)

Went to Kajang and had a wonderful time with the Open Hands girls...We sing, dance, play, learn and laugh together. The smile on their faces worth all the time we spend preparing and going there despite our tiredness and busy schedule. The girls are really energetic..and they really can dance...wow...they are so "rock n hip"....got our jaws dropped open..

Worship time

Games & a time of bonding

They love this song so much - One way

Group photo - Open Hands gals & IPIK cell

We leave bout 5 plus and I travel straight to World Vision Office in Kelana Jaya to get some stuff done...was really exhausted when I reached home...drop dead on bed and slept for about 2 hours...

Now..after this..need to prapare for the famine activities and pack for church camp tomorrow.

So many things to do but yet worth it...looking forward for camp in El Sanctuary, Malacca and Famine countdown this Sunday at Bukit Jalil Stadium....

Photos will be uploaded soon :) patient ya....

TIme in Ipoh

Traveled back from Ipoh today. Was feeling mix emotions as the bus leave and approaches Ipoh toll... I don't feel like leaving...but yet excited to the things ahead back in KL. I don't feel like leaving home as I was waiting for the taxi to take me to the bus station and yet I miss my bed in KL. I miss the time spend with Papa, Mummy, Sarah,San,Mon yee & Simmy...I miss the best "tau foo fah" and "tau ching" which I will not miss out every time I go back.

I remember as I arrived on Monday night, I felt "strange" and not use to my own home....I have not been back for about 2 months.. Mummy cooked my favorite meal on that day...prawn sambal and chicken soup...it was so good & i feel "um kau hau"...it was such a long time since I last tasted home cook food.

Watched "Heart of Greed" with family on Tuesday night...That was my 3rd time watching it..I was watching just for the sake of the time with my family..sitting together, talking, watching movie, laughing... Papa and mummy went up to sleep earlier... left Sarah, Emily and myself...

Sarah suddenly burst out in tears....my heart ached see her like this...I wanted to hug her tight..to hold her close and to tell her that I love her. I place my hand around her shoulder and help her to wipe away her tears but she pushed my hand away. I was there sitting beside her, with my hand still on her shoulder, looking at her and asking her to share out whats troubling her and encouraged her to talk out...but she only reply "nothing"..."Nothing.."

As I continue looking at her, my heart really feel the pain and a deep compassion for her. I wanted to help her, to go through whatever she is going through together with her...if only she open up and allow me to do so....I had the urge to cry together with her and my heart was having this weird emotions that I could not express in words....as I sit there and watch her. In my heart, I was praying, praying that God will help her through, praying that God will heal her and restore her joy again... I wish that time that I can take over her place and face all the difficult times and pain that she is going through. I wish I can take over her suffering so that she can be happy and joyful. I remembered when she was a child, she used to laugh a lot and make all of us laugh. She was a joyful kid and a very sweet and adorable child...

"Sarah,I love you. Yes many times I feel frustrated with you and I really do not understand you but I love you. You will always be my best and only sister and nothing will change that. I wish you will be happy always and grow up to be a wonderful young lady."

"Lord, please teach me to be a good sister to her. Help me to remain patient to her and teach me what to do and what can I do Lord to help her... "

After so long...

Today just before I went to Pudu..I was having lunch at Out break steak house in Bangsar Village when mummy called. She told me my uncle, "the person that I do not want to see" is here at my home. I was like..."wat the... what is he doing here....why does he has to be back here the same time with me..."
I am still not ready to see him again. Haiz....

After so long, I never think bout him again. I realize at that moment I have bitterness in my heart towards him and maybe a little of hatred as well. I really despite him for the way he treated his wife. Saw him just now...before that I was hesitating...should I call him or just ignore him...well, finally I did call him just for the sake of the little respect that I still have for him.

I realize that I need to forgive as well and to love him as a family member..God please help me in this!

So much in love...

Waking up this morning...feeling your love that overwhelm me. I woke up...thinking of how much you love is for me, how real is your love for me and how stable is your love for me...a love that will always be there and remain the same yesterday, today and forever. You give me reason to continue my life, you give new meaning to my life, you are my source of strength in facing the many storms and waves that hits me. I love You...if it is not for you and your love...I doubt my life will be of any meaning.
Thank you for your love again as I open my eyes this morning. Thank you for being there to go through this day with me. I know I can go through this day with smile on my face and assurance just because you are here. I will never want to leave you. At last, I found a true and real love. A love that is so real and pure and sincere. You required nothing from me and yet pour out your love so much upon my life. Thank you.

Lost & found

Was feeling so tired and I just couldn't get to open my eyes as the alarm went off in the morning..only manage to fall asleep at 6 plus in the morning and need to wake up at 9 plus...my eyes was swollen and I do look like panda.
Anyhow, manage to drag my self out of my bed and went to church. I went for my facial and spa appointment after prayer meeting.Was so relaxing during the spa and enjoying every moment of it... as usual, there is always a time for everything... a time for extraction! Ouch...it was really really so painful..nearly jump off the facial bed and asked her to stop! tears of pain were forming at the corner of my eyes and every muscle of my body were tensed up....at last finally...it ended...a short but painful moment. The next thing that I enjoy most every time during my facial was the shoulder and face massage. It was just great and relaxing.

Went to Leisure mall after that, was just walking around with no intention of finding or buying anything... but I found something :D I found exactly the same ring that I lost the other day at The Gardens... I was surprise to be able to find it as I was looking for it the day after I lost it and was told that that model of ring is out of stock....I leave the shop, smiling and happily wearing the new "lost and found" ring.

Returning to the embrace of my father.....

I was feeling so empty, so down nearly the whole morning and evening...so alone and lost..in the midst of my loneness and emptiness, my father calling me back to him... in His still small voice...asking me to run back to His embrace where His arms is wide open waiting for me.
Tears were flowing down my cheeks...i was kneeling on my bed sobbing and weeping...I told him..

"I am so tired of running and trying to face the many things in my life with my own strength. I need You so much. Pa, I am sorry..sorry from turning my face away from You,sorry for being disobedient to You.. Pa, please forgive me. I cannot bear to have to live my life without You. I love you, Pa and I am truly truly sorry... I know I have hurt you and I know I have disappoint You" ....there is much more I wanted to express in between my weeping...but my father....as He usher me into His comforting arms..."shhh.....it's ok my child...no matter what, I love you and I am and will always be here for you. No one or nothing can separate me and my love from you..." "But Pa..." I tried to protest.... " Shhhhh....its ok my dear child, just rest in me now, rest in my embrace and let me share your pain" He responded as He wipe away the tears from my face and tighten His arms around me, as I nested my head upon His shoulder. Great comfort fills every part of my heart..the heaviness that I felt moments ago were gone.

I spent a long time with my Father and I feel my tiredness and burden slowly dissolving as I focus on His love for me. I felt refreshed. Nothing really matters anymore...there is no other place than being in the warm loving embrace of my Father once again. That night, my heart felt lighter and I felt joy and love. Pa spoke to me many things....He assured me of His love for me...the love that I should never doubt..the love that is so real!

I realize and remember once again....that the Father's love will never leave us nor condemn us but accept us just as we are no matter what it cost! That is how deep His love for me and for you and for each and everyone of us.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
Romans 8:1-2

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither heights nor depth, not anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38 -39

This song really touches my heart as we sang it during cell group at night...again it just remind me of this great love that no one can truly comprehend.

Kasih yang sempurna telah
Ku terima dariMu
Bukan ker'na kabaikanku
Hanya oleh kasih Kurnia Mu
Kau pulihkan aku layakkanku
Tuk dapat memanggilMu, Bapa

Kau beri yang kupinta
Saat kumencari kumendapatkan
Ku ketuk pintuMu dan Kau bukakan
Sebab Kau Bapaku, Bapa yang kekal

Takkan Kau biarkan
Ku melangkah hanya sendirian
Kau selalu ada bagiku
Sebab Kau Bapaku, Bapa yang kekal

Remembrance.....

What happen today..losing my ring makes me have a flashback of what happen years ago...
I have this person that loves me so much..many times, when I was sick, this person cook and take care of me, when I need money, this person will provide, when I am not happy, this person will hear and cheer me up.

This very special person to me is my .... beloved poh poh! Until I loose her only I realize how much I love and miss her!

Thinking back... the times where I neglected her, the times where I was so busy and occupied with my own thoughts and agendas till I abandoned her. The times where I feel that she is "troublesome" and complain when she grumbles....

Now...how I wish I can have her by my side to grumble at me, to "trouble" me..but I have lost her forever..I will never have another chance to hear her voice again. I miss her so much!

The last moments.....

Poh Poh spend a week in KL with me at Ah Fu's & Michelle jie jie hse... she sleep with me and cook for me everyday during the week. At night, often poh poh will complain of gastric pain and I was not patient enough to "tam" her to see doctor.

Every time when I wanted to go shopping, she will want to come along. I was reluctant to bring her along for previously she always complains of leg pain and will want to go home. But this time..she was different. She was so excited to go and no complain at all. We went to pasar malam together and she was buying things for us (Mon Yee and myself).

One evening...as we were there on the sofa watching animal planet, astro...Poh poh told me..."Joann, that day I had a dream, Jesus say want to take me back home...but I told Him I am not ready yet and asked Him to give some more time..."

I did not take her words seriously..in my heart...I was like "ai...poh poh simply talk again..."

The next week....I went back to Ipoh and walk pasar malam..after that drop by at poh poh house and she complain gastric again.. I remember grumbling at her, "forcing" her to see doctor...

The next day.... awaken by my sister with tears in her eyes..."jie jie...poh poh...poh poh......" I jump up from my bed..ran down the stairs and found out that something happen to poh poh and waiting for ambulance to come now... I wanted to run to her house..I wanted to reach her and hold her that time...When I arrive, those medic man was carrying her into the ambulance.

Poh poh never regain her consciousness...the last moments...I was there at the hospital....just fallen asleep at the floor of the corridor when the doctor called. Poh poh's heart has stopped 3 times....

I went to her...hold her hands...and told her.."poh poh...you go in peace la...we will take care of everything here...don't worry"

Minutes later....she left us...I will always remember the moment where I go to her and hug her still body and kiss her on the cheek...That was the last time I ever got to hold or touch and kiss her!

Poh poh, I love you and I miss you so much! I am sorry for things that I may have done before that hurt you. See you again..one day......

想念是会呼吸的痛
连沉默也痛
后悔不贴心会痛 恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

Lost of something.....

The feeling of lost...when something that we treasure or someone that we love...no longer by our side... the feeling is so painful. No matter how hard we try to forget and put it aside...it will keep appearing in our mind....the memory of it keep chasing us no matter how hard we try to run away from it.. at the end, when we feel so tired of running away, we have no other choice but to stop running and face it. Things or surrounding will remind us about it, even a song or a place...will bring back all the memories and the pain in heart will grow that lead to tears in the eyes.

When we have it, we take it for granted...always assume that it will always be there by our side, always assume that it will never leave us...therefore, we never really appreciate it! But we never realize that it will one day gone....or leave us...and no longer by our side...

If i know, what I have today will be gone the next day, I will appreciate it more!

Everything and everyone that I have by my side now, I want to make the afford to love and treasure it as if it will be gone the next day.....So even when i really lost it, at least i will not regret cause I have done my best!