Good Bye DOULOS... 29 Dec 2009

So many to write ... but really not in the mood right now....
Just a brief summary ...

Was on DOULOS one final time.... those final time on board was really special...
DOULOS officially decommission on the 27 December 2009...
Thats the end of the 95 years old vessel ... the end of her ministry...

Suppose to upload many pictures and videos of the final moment on DOULOS...

Sadly...
on the 26th ... my hand bag was stolen during church member wedding at a hall in Johor..

Found my hand bag in the male washroom...

My camera...my cell phone..my cash was gone...

THat guy also took my Identification card n driving license but not interested in my VISA and other cards...

WHO EVER U ARE... I FORGIVE U... IF ONLY SOMEHOW U SEE THIS POST... PLEASE RETURN ALL MY PHOTOS FROM MY CAMERA AND CELL PHONE..MY IC AND LICENSE... U CAN HAVE THE MONEY, CELL PHONE AND CAMERA...

I pray that God will convict his heart....

Still I am thankful that

I still have my bag and purse and those cards...

I am also thankful for the chance to be serving onboard for one final time...

I am thankful for my last voyage....

Thank you God.... in all circumstances.. I know you are still in control...

**** more to come soon..thats all for now ****

7 Nov 2009 - Azney's wedding

Zanmai Sushi @ Gardens, 2 weeks before her wedding..had a brief meet up after such long time..

Went bac to Ipoh for a day trip to attend secondary school fren's wedding...
Feeling so tired right now, reached KL bout nearly 9m..
Was so hot in the afternoon & yet so heavy rain not long after that...

***************************

SELAMAT PENGANTIN BARU AZNEY....

5 Nov 2009 - Dry dock extended

Just got the news that dry dock (@ S'pore) time was extended... was suppose to sail from Singapore to Phuket coming 16 Nov... Was kinda disappointed cause was really looking forward to Phuket. Hope the next port will still be Phuket after dry dock... If not it will be straight to Middle East... I wanna be in Phuket ... sob sob sob

5 Nov 2009 - Cloudy meat balls...

DOULOS location: Singapore - Dry Dock till 16 Nov 2009

Just came back from Mid Valley at bout nearly 2am.. Watched cloudy meatball...

Bought ticket for 0012 show...
Entered the cinema bout 0000....
No one else was in there...
I was so excited...hehe...
Was literally walking up & down as if the whole cinema was booked by me...
Sitting on chairs every level, trying to find the best place with the best hight and best view...
0005....0010....Still no one walked in...

Was so happy & praying out loud...
'GOD PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE WATCH THIS SHOW...PLEASE... I WANT THE WHOLE CINEMA FOR OURSELVES' ( my Ling & me)

more excited...0015..still no one walked in...
YES!!YES!!MY WISH COME TRUE...
I CAN HAVE THE WHOLE CINEMA FOR MYSELF ...

0016....kacau only...
:( one couple walked in...
I was like... *&^%$##^&#@!

then 0018... another couple walked in.... %%^^%%$#$#!

then 0025...5 people walked in.... ##$@@$$^^&&!!!!!!
0030...3 more **&&%%$$######!

In the end: 14 people was there...

Bought the cloudy meatball limited edition umbrella...
Posed with it just now...(wanted to upload it here, but lazy right now)
Maybe something was inside the coke & M&M...

Super active after the movie...
Was walking and playing around with the umbrella.. poking Ling buttock from behind...
Waving it & 'kung fu'ing with it (ala Bruce Lee's style)
Wonder what those guards was thinking if they saw me through CCTV..
Haha never mind...since its 0130.... they must be bored & needed entertainment :P

So many to write...

Was back to Ipoh the past week...
In Penang for short while..
Back to KL on 30 Oct...

More bout it next post.... already 0420...
Tired but hyped up....


Going to say goodnite to my dearest Bit & Mit....


Going to read the book I just bought at Borders, Garden...

21 Oct 2009 - MIA

Will be MIA for at least a week....
Its a bright sunny day..last night was cold and freezing...
Had to put on socks and mummified self before sleep...
Missing Bit Bit & Mit Mit..
They've grown so much...

Waiting for answer about my inquiry to be send to Cambodia to work for OM Cambodia with the abuse/ street children...Guess ship life is over for me for now...

20 Oct 2009 - I am truly, sincerly sorry...

I am so sorry for hurting you again..
I regret every single moment of it...
The pain in my heart is so intense..
Cos I know I have hurt you again..
I have fail you again..
I nail you again on the cross..

I am so sorry for my wrongs...
Please forgive me...

15 Oct 2009 - Do not judge....

Warning: Contain materials that may be sensitive to certain viewer. Do skip if you are not comfortable with it. Thank you.


Many times, we as human fail to recognize or does not seems to be able to practice this simple yet difficult task of NOT JUDGING OTHERS...

Many times, I realized people around me, even me myself at times, so easy to draw a conclusion or judgment upon someone else behavior or wrong doing....

"Eh that girl got pregnant by her boyfriend, what a tart. Knew she is a slut since last time...."
"That guy ah, great drama king. Pretend good but actually ....."

Who are we to judge others?
Unless we can put up our head and declare ' I am 100% blameless/faultless/sinless'
Then maybe then we can consider having the license to start judging others..

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you"
Matt 7: 1-2

It's so easy judging others... pointing out people's fault and wrong but never did we realize our fault and wrong is almost equal or maybe even bigger..

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
Matt 7: 3 - 4

It's sad when people keep holding on to this judging attitude and judge those that have fallen or sin even if the person had repented...

Judging only make those that repented more difficult in starting a new life cause of the condemnation and guilt that people keep imposing upon their life...

Instead of continue judging and condemning others that had fallen short and tried to stand up again....

Shouldn't we clap and cheer for them? Encouraging them? Telling them well done for waking up & welcoming them into the new road of life... a road of freedom & being set free from the past bondages as it no longer be able to haunt them for they are set free and cleanse?

Those that realized they had been wrong & want to change their life... its the beginning to the road of victory...

Do we not realize that it takes a lot of effort and boldness to walk that road?
They do not need additional condemnation & guilt to be inflicted upon them, as I believe they already have tons of guilt & feeling of self condemnation weighing them down...

I always love the scene where a huge crowd of people wanting to stone a prostitute to death because of her immorality and then one by one of the crowd, throw down the stone and leave when this question struck them.....

"WHO WITHOUT SIN, THROW THE FIRST STONE"

Who have not sin before? There is no such thing as too big or too small of a sin that God cannot forgive.. On the day, the very hour at the cross, "IT IS FINISH...IT IS DONE"

We are no longer subject to the slavery of sin or the guilt of it...

Same to every pain, every hard ship, every betrayal, every addiction..... the list can go on and on...


That's just my thoughts in general...not pointing to anyone...



1) Lets be honest and humble ourself in repentance
2)There is no sin that is too shameful nor to big for God, come to him. Nothing change His love
for you no matter how much you have mess up. By his grace & mercy, you are forgiven.
3)The pain or brokenness maybe so intense, surrender your pain to the Healer...

13 Oct 2009 - My childhood dream...

Since young, I've always dream to be a singer/actress/model.
I really do not know why & what birth those dreams & longing...

Even as young as 8 years old, I would often dream to be someone famous one day... to appear in TV....

When everyone else was having afternoon nap, I will sneak up, changed into my bare back little dresses, silently smuggle mum's make up & started to paint my face.

Then I would stand in front of the mirror & 'admire' myself & use a comb or talcum bottle as my mic & start singing and dancing in front of the mirror...

That lead to the boldness to stand on stage & sing in front of a big group of people in Hotel Excelsior, Ipoh when I was 11 years old.

I guess those dreams are still in me. Not fully given up upon yet.

I think that was what lead to being involved in beauty pageant in 2005. Was grateful for the chance to be involved in such competition for the sake of experience. Honestly, totally had no idea bout it when I got the call from them. Did not prepare my self nor anything before I went for it.

Only regret was did not keep copies of picture during the competition & record those sessions in ASTRO.

Forget bout the whole dream for few years....

Then somehow, those dream came to surface again.... CLEO Cover Girl 2008...

I really don't understand me at times... since it was my dream... encrypted in my DNA...I should be more than happy to pursue it after all these years with the chance I've been given to be sign exclusive by modeling agency... I just let it go... do I regret it? Honestly, no...

After photo shooting session...

CLEO Feb 2009
Honestly, I do not like this picture.

I prefer the previous issue more...

Nov 2008

1 2 Oct 2009 - Forgiveness

Came across this clip from youtube


It brought me to tears...

It's indeed true...

When we were hurt badly & deeply,
We will never recover until we learn to forgive.
Forgiveness does not change what had happen,
But it set us free in future.

It's indeed very true...
Easier say than done..
But it's not impossible...
Once we take the step & choose to forgive,
We are set free from the haunting of the past hurt & pain...
We can now move forward & live in the present & not living in the pass.

13 Oct 2009 - I had a dream

I had a dream...
Woke up feeling funny :)

I dream I was being propose...

The scenario...

In school canteen setting....
Being proposed with a small bundle of little purple flowers wrap with those pvc book wrapper..
And ring? haha, he jus took my ring out from my finger & use the same ring to propose...

Not those romantic proposal that every girls would dream off...

:D haha... that desperate me?

Well, wedding plans postpone to next year... Not in dream but for real

Here am I , Send me to the nations...

(My father)
Here am I,
Send me to the nations,
As an ambassador for You,
As an ambassador for You
Here am I.

(My children)
Ask of Me,
And I will give the nations,
As an inheritance for you
As an inheritance for you
Ask of me.

Many years back, when I first heard this song, it really stir & touch my heart so much that it brought me to tears. At the moment, I do not understand what's it all about...such simple words, how can it stir and move my heart so much? Why when I hear and as I sing along, meaning every words that I sing, as a prayer " Here am I, send me to the nations...." Tears keep flowing down. My heart felt weird as if it does not belong to me & as if I cant contain it in my body anymore...

Some years after, hearing the song again & even now, the song still have the same effect on me. Something is stirring deep down in my heart.... a calling of my life, the purpose of my life, my heart desire, my promise, my commitment .....

Here am I, send me to the nations, As an ambassador for You... Here am I

Though none go with me, still I will follow... I have decided & no turning back!

Joann Toh,
10 Oct 2009
9.30pm

10 Oct 2009 - Saturday...Piece & pieces of here & there...

Realize its time to update.....

Had the 'sea sick' exp on DOULOS on my second night there.... it was really not fun... miss Sunday service on board which I was much anticipated to attend even before I left for the ship.... Miss out the Thurs prayer nite as well...

Prayer items for DOULOS:

Please pray for Dry Dock, for everything to be smooth & for the fundings & everything else. THank You...

***************************************************************************

Oh ya, the day just before I left for DOULOS, I was officially done with uni life, officially graduated.... finally. To be honest, I thought I will jump up the sky once I got my final sem results n my thesis... but, when I got my results, knowing that I am officially done with it, and do not have to worry bout it anymore... i felt neutral..I felt nothing...In fact i felt more excited bout DOULOS than it.. weird me! I am still thankful & grateful that it's finally done. Its like a huge burden been lifted off my back.

Thinking & looking back, the journey to earn this Bach (Hons) in Psychology was full of thorns, tears & winding roads... those roads are not easy to go through...but of course there were the bright and sunny side as well.

The final year was indeed tough year for me. With all that happened, I was press down and near to being crush. I nearly gave up, with all the circumstances and other stuff thats happening in my life, the increase demand of work load from assignments and project, health... Thank You God for Your strength & sustaining power. Thank you for picking me up when I fall down and for filling my cup when I was dry.

Next level of life, was feeling really confuse & uncertain... Whats next ?

MASTER
gonna take a break first def but certainly going for it. Master in Counseling & / Clinical Psychology
WORK

And yet I remember my calling, things that I've promise to do, my commitment... but at the same time I was tempted to do many other things. There are many tempting jobs that in the area that I love & with good off days.. trust me, I really mean it when I say its good off days.

5 working days, 8.30 to 5,30pm - 4 weeks fix annual leave ( 1 week for CNY, 1 week for Christmas & 2 weeks in June)

I was really tempted with this job, as a therapist and what more, got to work with children as well.

Prayed the prayer "God, I love this job very much but only if its Your will, If it's not, please close the door & let Your will be done"

Results: Confirmed its a close door...

*************************************************

Signing off,
Joann
9.09pm

29 Sept 09 - Life on MV DOULOS...

The moment - arrival

Forward lounge


Info area


book ex - MV DOULOS 2009

Worked in book ex once again... miss those old ppl tat used to be in shift 1... remember all those time & fun in the book hole after book ex closed for the public & how we crazy around while cleaning & arranging books...

sitting in those big boxes & skate around & literally flying in the box (being pushed hard by others),

dancing to those musics with broom and laughing our heads off...

those sweet times...

Book ex shift 1 - 2007

This time, everyone was new, from the new pre - ship, making new friends and getting to know new people & moving on with life instead of holding back what the ship used to be with old friends etc.. things change... people move on....

Still glad to be back & meet & getting to know new people...Surprisingly, fitted into the duties fast & not as hard as i imagined to established new friendships..it just click well & fast..




And so naturally, duties was easy & it just took me a short time to be back on duty mode... welcoming people & thanking people that walked in and out from the ship just before the gangway... jus like what it used to be before.... attending to people's inquiries bout the unit systems & bout books at the info desk... checking those books without price label & labeling them..

I enjoy all of it :)

N free ice -creams at night :)

ICE CREAMS...FREE!! on sun deck..

After shift....

Back to cabin after a hot tiring day..

Signing off,
Joann Toh

26 Sept 09 - onboard MV DOULOS

I feel weird to be back again to the ship,

The view of the ship, the smell of the ship, the paging system of the ship....everything bringing back pieces by pieces of memories back to my mind as if I never left the ship 2 years back..

I feel weird, not knowing most of the ship crew as most already finished the 2 years commitment and left the ship..jus one two familiar faces....

Its really hot & whole night, cant really sleep well.. it feel weird to be back in cabin and everything else....

Signing off...

Joann Toh

3.25pm (MV DOULOS LIBRARY)

25 Sept 09 - the final moment....

Few more hours to go....

I will be at my second home

I really dunno how to pack jus now... dun bother d, if left out anything, jus get from the ship.

I hate packing....

Finally can lie down but still feel overwhelm...

Officially graduate today, but dun really feel the joy...

Maybe PMS....

Never mind....

Few hours time, will be at the place where I call home....

MV DOULOS....


P/s: so many things to write, so many things to express..... but jus dun hav the energy...guess gotta leave it other time

Signing off,
Joann
3.15 am

counting...

10 more days....DOULOS HERE I COME!

Gift from Kayoko

私は触れられる.....

Various gifts : さまざまなギフト

Inside the packages

Japanese Green tea
日本の緑茶

Another type of Japanese Green Tea - love the packaging
別のタイプの日本の緑茶-包装を愛しなさい


Japanese cake

Another type of Japanese cake - Green Tea & honey

Japanese Snack biscuits

thank you so much Kayoko.... そんなにありがとう Kayoko…

Kayoko in Msia

On Sunday, after picking her up from KLIA, it was kinda awkward cause I've forgotten how to communicate in Japanese.. it was much easier when I was in Japan... ended up...the whole journey, hardly communicate...I am so sorry

First meal in Msia was home cook meal ...


Break my own record...yesterday was out & walked more than 8 hours... from 12pm to nearly 12 am.. had never been walking and out for such long hours since I got slip disc...


First stop 最初停止: Little Tree, Kuchai Lama. Kayo had Ipoh Kai See Hor Fun &
mango soda

Wen to Mid Valley after that...Kayo wanted to buy sandals & ended up having the same one ;)




Went up the Genting after that...


Went to Petaling street & Central market after that.. She tried ice mata kuching & tau foo fa, bought batik souvenir, sarong & wooden bookmarks..

Next stop was KLCC & starbucks...

Exhausted already...

Went to CK's food court for dinner..

Satay

String ray ikan bakar

Chick wings

popiah

Went to Sunway Piramid after that...

Send her to airport 6 am this morning..

Hope u enjoyed ur self Kayo, my dear friend..


p/s:
hehe, scare her wif BELACAN on the very first day, first meal she had in Msia...after that, she dare not try anything spicy... ikan bakar spice had to be separated... Her respond was... "more spicy than Wasabi (belacan the malaysia wasabi)

Sun..

Yesterday half way through service (worship), I saw someone walking up the stairs.. I couldn't believe my eyes in the beginning, I thought my eyes playing tricks on me..

There he was... like his old self as if nothing had happen...

Somewhere in May, Rev Peter Chin had brain Aneurysms and was in critical condition...saw him the very day it happen in Ipoh Specialist Hospital (unconscious), Gleneagles Hospital (critical war of life - where he had second rupture & was having heavy bleeding inside - where doc said very slim chance of recovery)....and slowly... he is semi conscious to conscious & able to smile & acknowledge people that visited him.

Used to stand by his bed side in ICU, singing praises to him & reading to him from Psalms, remember there was once his hand grip on mine was so strong & I was worry if he was in pain or discomfort..

Yesterday... there he was, climbing the stairs for service...walked into the church (without any crutches or wat so ever) ... smiling.. many heads turned when saw him walking in, eyes grow as big as saucepan, mouth form a big O ..

It was indeed a miracle seeing him recovering so fast...watching him from my seat, with tears threaten to spill from the corners of my eyes... I am thankful & amaze by what God has done in his servant life.. His miracle healing and answered prayers..

Got to chat with Ps Peter after the service, he talked well, even joke well like his own self..

*******************************************

Its 5.07om now...gotta go to KLIA in short while to fetch Kayoko...Will be arriving bout 6.40 pm..
Cooking dinner tonite...


Signing of,
A speck of sand in this world, a precious diamond in God's eyes.- SUAN EE, JOANN

Fri...

Had a blast with hse mates jus now, co coincidently all from Perak. Cooked dinner, each one handle one dish..
Joann: vege dish (broccoli & chicken)
Ally: Baked beans & eggs
Leah: soup (choi sum - sawi & ikan bilis + chicken soup)

Dunno what was added into the dishes...after meal, 3 of us siao n non stop crapping.. Cover from topic of Brazilian wax to ****** ( u wil not wanna noe :P )

This Sunday we gonna cook again..

- ABC or lotus (leng ngau) soup
- vege (cauliflower)
- fish (bawal)
- chicken chop

After meal: grapes & oranges...

*************************************

Cant wait to stay & sleep in cabin again..I really miss it sooo much...

*******************************

Something activated my memory & make those bitter feeling towards this person coming to surface..

I HOLD BITTERNESS TOWARDS THIS PERSON I DESPISE THIS PERSON I AM ANGRY

I know I need to forgive & move on... Whats the point of me feeling all these, when the person dont even know anything & happily continuing life.

I've wasted enough years with you... I have wasted my time and everything else... I know you will not be reading this here... I wish I never know you... I hate those back stab words you spoken & stories you been telling others about me & how your story affect others impression & perceptions towards me. U know yourself, every word & story u've spoken, deep down if you were to be honest with yourself... what is the purpose of it?? To defend urself & to be in denial of the truth... I really hate it when you do this, this is not the first time!

I am glad I walked out... I am glad I do not need to have anything more to do with you... I am glad to make this step to erase you from my life & world.

However, of course I still remember how you used to help me & bless me with things, support & finance.. Like how you supported me when I was in DOULOS in KK, recently before things turn sour & every little things here & there... Of course I appreciate it a lot & thankful for all of it...

Damage been done.. I admit I have wrong u too & I do apologies & I indeed regrets those words that I have said out of anger..of course I don't mean it.

Anyway, I am glad its all over & never again will we ever meet nor talk... not in the next 5 years time I am sure...

God, give me your grace to forgive just as you have forgive me.



Signing out,
Joann


Change my heart O God, Make it ever true
Change my heart O God,May I be like You...
You are the potter, I am the clay
Mold me & make me.. This is what I pray...

Japan 2007

My special time in Japan....

Super wonderful guard that keep me accompany during my shift with his jokes & candies..

Cold & beautiful weather

Wonderful ministry time in Japan with high school students

In the head master office

Students visiting the ship

Classroom

International Nite

Locals visiting ship

DOULOS cafe ministry

DOULOS Outing - Nagasaki Atomic Bomb Museum

CAfe Ministry - where I met this wonderful lady (Kayoko Hishida)
She came back to the ship.. giving me tour around Japan..

Geisha village

Beautiful Japanese Restaurant for lunch

Our expensive lunch..

Outside Japanese cafe - special macha & mochi

I miss Japan...friends...time...memories...ministries...

Kayo..i hope I am able to give you a memorable time here in Msia..jus as how deep u had touched n impressed in my heart... during my time in Japan