21 Oct 2009 - MIA

Will be MIA for at least a week....
Its a bright sunny day..last night was cold and freezing...
Had to put on socks and mummified self before sleep...
Missing Bit Bit & Mit Mit..
They've grown so much...

Waiting for answer about my inquiry to be send to Cambodia to work for OM Cambodia with the abuse/ street children...Guess ship life is over for me for now...

20 Oct 2009 - I am truly, sincerly sorry...

I am so sorry for hurting you again..
I regret every single moment of it...
The pain in my heart is so intense..
Cos I know I have hurt you again..
I have fail you again..
I nail you again on the cross..

I am so sorry for my wrongs...
Please forgive me...

15 Oct 2009 - Do not judge....

Warning: Contain materials that may be sensitive to certain viewer. Do skip if you are not comfortable with it. Thank you.


Many times, we as human fail to recognize or does not seems to be able to practice this simple yet difficult task of NOT JUDGING OTHERS...

Many times, I realized people around me, even me myself at times, so easy to draw a conclusion or judgment upon someone else behavior or wrong doing....

"Eh that girl got pregnant by her boyfriend, what a tart. Knew she is a slut since last time...."
"That guy ah, great drama king. Pretend good but actually ....."

Who are we to judge others?
Unless we can put up our head and declare ' I am 100% blameless/faultless/sinless'
Then maybe then we can consider having the license to start judging others..

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you"
Matt 7: 1-2

It's so easy judging others... pointing out people's fault and wrong but never did we realize our fault and wrong is almost equal or maybe even bigger..

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
Matt 7: 3 - 4

It's sad when people keep holding on to this judging attitude and judge those that have fallen or sin even if the person had repented...

Judging only make those that repented more difficult in starting a new life cause of the condemnation and guilt that people keep imposing upon their life...

Instead of continue judging and condemning others that had fallen short and tried to stand up again....

Shouldn't we clap and cheer for them? Encouraging them? Telling them well done for waking up & welcoming them into the new road of life... a road of freedom & being set free from the past bondages as it no longer be able to haunt them for they are set free and cleanse?

Those that realized they had been wrong & want to change their life... its the beginning to the road of victory...

Do we not realize that it takes a lot of effort and boldness to walk that road?
They do not need additional condemnation & guilt to be inflicted upon them, as I believe they already have tons of guilt & feeling of self condemnation weighing them down...

I always love the scene where a huge crowd of people wanting to stone a prostitute to death because of her immorality and then one by one of the crowd, throw down the stone and leave when this question struck them.....

"WHO WITHOUT SIN, THROW THE FIRST STONE"

Who have not sin before? There is no such thing as too big or too small of a sin that God cannot forgive.. On the day, the very hour at the cross, "IT IS FINISH...IT IS DONE"

We are no longer subject to the slavery of sin or the guilt of it...

Same to every pain, every hard ship, every betrayal, every addiction..... the list can go on and on...


That's just my thoughts in general...not pointing to anyone...



1) Lets be honest and humble ourself in repentance
2)There is no sin that is too shameful nor to big for God, come to him. Nothing change His love
for you no matter how much you have mess up. By his grace & mercy, you are forgiven.
3)The pain or brokenness maybe so intense, surrender your pain to the Healer...

13 Oct 2009 - My childhood dream...

Since young, I've always dream to be a singer/actress/model.
I really do not know why & what birth those dreams & longing...

Even as young as 8 years old, I would often dream to be someone famous one day... to appear in TV....

When everyone else was having afternoon nap, I will sneak up, changed into my bare back little dresses, silently smuggle mum's make up & started to paint my face.

Then I would stand in front of the mirror & 'admire' myself & use a comb or talcum bottle as my mic & start singing and dancing in front of the mirror...

That lead to the boldness to stand on stage & sing in front of a big group of people in Hotel Excelsior, Ipoh when I was 11 years old.

I guess those dreams are still in me. Not fully given up upon yet.

I think that was what lead to being involved in beauty pageant in 2005. Was grateful for the chance to be involved in such competition for the sake of experience. Honestly, totally had no idea bout it when I got the call from them. Did not prepare my self nor anything before I went for it.

Only regret was did not keep copies of picture during the competition & record those sessions in ASTRO.

Forget bout the whole dream for few years....

Then somehow, those dream came to surface again.... CLEO Cover Girl 2008...

I really don't understand me at times... since it was my dream... encrypted in my DNA...I should be more than happy to pursue it after all these years with the chance I've been given to be sign exclusive by modeling agency... I just let it go... do I regret it? Honestly, no...

After photo shooting session...

CLEO Feb 2009
Honestly, I do not like this picture.

I prefer the previous issue more...

Nov 2008

1 2 Oct 2009 - Forgiveness

Came across this clip from youtube


It brought me to tears...

It's indeed true...

When we were hurt badly & deeply,
We will never recover until we learn to forgive.
Forgiveness does not change what had happen,
But it set us free in future.

It's indeed very true...
Easier say than done..
But it's not impossible...
Once we take the step & choose to forgive,
We are set free from the haunting of the past hurt & pain...
We can now move forward & live in the present & not living in the pass.

13 Oct 2009 - I had a dream

I had a dream...
Woke up feeling funny :)

I dream I was being propose...

The scenario...

In school canteen setting....
Being proposed with a small bundle of little purple flowers wrap with those pvc book wrapper..
And ring? haha, he jus took my ring out from my finger & use the same ring to propose...

Not those romantic proposal that every girls would dream off...

:D haha... that desperate me?

Well, wedding plans postpone to next year... Not in dream but for real

Here am I , Send me to the nations...

(My father)
Here am I,
Send me to the nations,
As an ambassador for You,
As an ambassador for You
Here am I.

(My children)
Ask of Me,
And I will give the nations,
As an inheritance for you
As an inheritance for you
Ask of me.

Many years back, when I first heard this song, it really stir & touch my heart so much that it brought me to tears. At the moment, I do not understand what's it all about...such simple words, how can it stir and move my heart so much? Why when I hear and as I sing along, meaning every words that I sing, as a prayer " Here am I, send me to the nations...." Tears keep flowing down. My heart felt weird as if it does not belong to me & as if I cant contain it in my body anymore...

Some years after, hearing the song again & even now, the song still have the same effect on me. Something is stirring deep down in my heart.... a calling of my life, the purpose of my life, my heart desire, my promise, my commitment .....

Here am I, send me to the nations, As an ambassador for You... Here am I

Though none go with me, still I will follow... I have decided & no turning back!

Joann Toh,
10 Oct 2009
9.30pm

10 Oct 2009 - Saturday...Piece & pieces of here & there...

Realize its time to update.....

Had the 'sea sick' exp on DOULOS on my second night there.... it was really not fun... miss Sunday service on board which I was much anticipated to attend even before I left for the ship.... Miss out the Thurs prayer nite as well...

Prayer items for DOULOS:

Please pray for Dry Dock, for everything to be smooth & for the fundings & everything else. THank You...

***************************************************************************

Oh ya, the day just before I left for DOULOS, I was officially done with uni life, officially graduated.... finally. To be honest, I thought I will jump up the sky once I got my final sem results n my thesis... but, when I got my results, knowing that I am officially done with it, and do not have to worry bout it anymore... i felt neutral..I felt nothing...In fact i felt more excited bout DOULOS than it.. weird me! I am still thankful & grateful that it's finally done. Its like a huge burden been lifted off my back.

Thinking & looking back, the journey to earn this Bach (Hons) in Psychology was full of thorns, tears & winding roads... those roads are not easy to go through...but of course there were the bright and sunny side as well.

The final year was indeed tough year for me. With all that happened, I was press down and near to being crush. I nearly gave up, with all the circumstances and other stuff thats happening in my life, the increase demand of work load from assignments and project, health... Thank You God for Your strength & sustaining power. Thank you for picking me up when I fall down and for filling my cup when I was dry.

Next level of life, was feeling really confuse & uncertain... Whats next ?

MASTER
gonna take a break first def but certainly going for it. Master in Counseling & / Clinical Psychology
WORK

And yet I remember my calling, things that I've promise to do, my commitment... but at the same time I was tempted to do many other things. There are many tempting jobs that in the area that I love & with good off days.. trust me, I really mean it when I say its good off days.

5 working days, 8.30 to 5,30pm - 4 weeks fix annual leave ( 1 week for CNY, 1 week for Christmas & 2 weeks in June)

I was really tempted with this job, as a therapist and what more, got to work with children as well.

Prayed the prayer "God, I love this job very much but only if its Your will, If it's not, please close the door & let Your will be done"

Results: Confirmed its a close door...

*************************************************

Signing off,
Joann
9.09pm