LOVE

Til death do us part...

2010-04-16T01:52:00.001-07:00

Specially for the one.. whom I will share the rest of my life with...

Its just 9 months and 6 days to go before the day...
January 22, 2011...

From the first moment I set my eyes on you,
There is something about you that capture my heart,
As time goes by, love blossoms..
Your love has lead me through
And won my heart..

At the moment,
I knew deep down in my heart,
You are the one God has for me..

The path that we've walked through,
The journey that we've tread through together,
Worth more than all the riches of the world..

From this moment,
Our life are no longer two but one,
The road ahead is not easy,
But I'll walk with you,
Hands in hands, with one heart, one love...
We will go through those winding roads...

Till death do us part,
In times of goodness and sickness...
I will be there for you...

Tiada kata dapat ku lafazkan,
Tuk menyatakan cintaku padamu,
Seperti bintang di langit,
Hadirmu menyinari hidupku..

Ku yakini kesetianmu,
Ku jua berjanji setia selamanya,
Hanya kau satu,
Yang terpahat di hati ini..

Walau apa pun terjadi,
Cintaku padamu kan abadi...
Bersama kita menerokai,
Hidup yang akan kita bina bersama..

Bingkisan hati ini hanya untukmu....
Sayangku...

Composed By,
Joann Toh
16 April 2010
5.04pm

We love because God first love...

Complicated Simple Matter....

2010-04-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Haiz... how come such simple matter can turn out to be complicated... Learning human behavior is indeed a life time learning.. needs lotsa patience too... Neway, hope things will be settled and lay transparent soon and with good ending...

Joann Toh
4 April 10
10pm

Above all....

2010-04-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Easter celebration few hours back got me wondering and thinking...
During the drama, where they had 'Ah Bak' tied to the cross & push around..
Others was laughing .. cos it was a funny drama ...
But I just couldn't laugh .. I felt tears were forming at the corners of my eyes..
I could feel my throat tighten n painful...
My heart aches...

I couldn't bring myself to see when they acting the part of nailing him to the cross...
I looked away..
I knew if I look, I wouldn't be able to refrain my tears & I wouldn't be able to hold back my emotions..
I do not want to be 'special' crying away while others were laughing..
In my heart... there is no words good enough that I could use to express how I felt..
I could only say... 'THANK U GOD... THANK FOR U FOR DYING FOR ME... THANK U....'

When Peter denied God 3 times...
It keep me thinking..
'HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I DENY GOD IN MY LIFE?'
Many times... yes we may go to church every week or serving in the church... regular to cell...
But in our daily life... when there is decision to make...
Changes to make...
Lifestyles... Thoughts....Speech...
How many times we have deny God with our actions, speech & thoughts?

I admit I myself fail this many times..
Knowing the things that I need to do...
And yet I did not do..
Knowing the things I can't do..
But I did ....

Its so easy to sing during worship
'Lord I give u my heart.. I give you my soul...I live for you alone..
Every breath that I take, Every moment I'm awake.. Lord have your way in me.....'

But when it come to reality...
when God asked to stop the relationship with a certain person many years back..
Can I do it??
Many times.. when come to making decision & the need to let go of something..
Many times I realize, that will be the time where I deny God ...
Where I choose to turn a deaf ear...

Thank you God for being so patient with me all these years...
Thank you for not giving up on me...

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL....

2010-04-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

Never had I ever imagine that I am so blessed to be able to know THE ONE...
THE ONE tat love unconditionally...
THE ONE tat love me jus as I am...
What have I done to deserve love like this?

On the night many years back...
U were alone... the most lonely, fearful and psychologically tormenting moment of your whole life..
You were fighting with your own emotions.. part of you willing to go through an yet another part of the human you feeling the fear...
But in the end, you laid aside the agonizing feeling that is erupting inside you..

All for me ...

The time came... you were taken away..
You were accused... You were tortured...
You were mocked... You were beaten...
You were kicked... You were spit on...
Your flesh was torn apart...You was in great pain and bleeding..

And yet, you endure all those JUST FOR ME...
You could have just walked away.. let me carry my own guilt & shame...
But above everything else.. You thought of me...
And you went through all that for me
Simply because YOU LOVE ME...

How great is Your love upon me...
And Your love has won my heart...

You laid aside Your Majesty
Gave up everything for me
Suffered at the hands
Of those You had created

You took all my guilt and shame
When you died and rose again
Now today You reign
And heaven & earth exalted

I really want to worship You My Lord
You have won my heart and I am Yours
Forever and ever
I will love You

You are the only who died for me
Gave Your life to set me free
So I life my voice to You
In adoration...

2 April, Friday
7.24pm

Good Bye DOULOS... 29 Dec 2009

2009-12-29T02:17:00.000-08:00

So many to write ... but really not in the mood right now....
Just a brief summary ...

Was on DOULOS one final time.... those final time on board was really special...
DOULOS officially decommission on the 27 December 2009...
Thats the end of the 95 years old vessel ... the end of her ministry...

Suppose to upload many pictures and videos of the final moment on DOULOS...

Sadly...
on the 26th ... my hand bag was stolen during church member wedding at a hall in Johor..

Found my hand bag in the male washroom...

My camera...my cell phone..my cash was gone...

THat guy also took my Identification card n driving license but not interested in my VISA and other cards...

WHO EVER U ARE... I FORGIVE U... IF ONLY SOMEHOW U SEE THIS POST... PLEASE RETURN ALL MY PHOTOS FROM MY CAMERA AND CELL PHONE..MY IC AND LICENSE... U CAN HAVE THE MONEY, CELL PHONE AND CAMERA...

I pray that God will convict his heart....

Still I am thankful that

I still have my bag and purse and those cards...

I am also thankful for the chance to be serving onboard for one final time...

I am thankful for my last voyage....

Thank you God.... in all circumstances.. I know you are still in control...

**** more to come soon..thats all for now ****

7 Nov 2009 - Azney's wedding

2009-11-07T06:02:00.000-08:00

Zanmai Sushi @ Gardens, 2 weeks before her wedding..had a brief meet up after such long time..

Went bac to Ipoh for a day trip to attend secondary school fren's wedding...
Feeling so tired right now, reached KL bout nearly 9m..
Was so hot in the afternoon & yet so heavy rain not long after that...

***************************

SELAMAT PENGANTIN BARU AZNEY....

5 Nov 2009 - Dry dock extended

2009-11-05T03:51:00.001-08:00

Just got the news that dry dock (@ S'pore) time was extended... was suppose to sail from Singapore to Phuket coming 16 Nov... Was kinda disappointed cause was really looking forward to Phuket. Hope the next port will still be Phuket after dry dock... If not it will be straight to Middle East... I wanna be in Phuket ... sob sob sob

5 Nov 2009 - Cloudy meat balls...

2009-11-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

DOULOS location: Singapore - Dry Dock till 16 Nov 2009

Just came back from Mid Valley at bout nearly 2am.. Watched cloudy meatball...

Bought ticket for 0012 show...
Entered the cinema bout 0000....
No one else was in there...
I was so excited...hehe...
Was literally walking up & down as if the whole cinema was booked by me...
Sitting on chairs every level, trying to find the best place with the best hight and best view...
0005....0010....Still no one walked in...

Was so happy & praying out loud...
'GOD PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE WATCH THIS SHOW...PLEASE... I WANT THE WHOLE CINEMA FOR OURSELVES' ( my Ling & me)

more excited...0015..still no one walked in...
YES!!YES!!MY WISH COME TRUE...
I CAN HAVE THE WHOLE CINEMA FOR MYSELF ...

0016....kacau only...
:( one couple walked in...
I was like... *&^%$##^&#@!

then 0018... another couple walked in.... %%^^%%$#$#!

then 0025...5 people walked in.... ##$@@$$^^&&!!!!!!
0030...3 more **&&%%$$######!

In the end: 14 people was there...

Bought the cloudy meatball limited edition umbrella...
Posed with it just now...(wanted to upload it here, but lazy right now)
Maybe something was inside the coke & M&M...

Super active after the movie...
Was walking and playing around with the umbrella.. poking Ling buttock from behind...
Waving it & 'kung fu'ing with it (ala Bruce Lee's style)
Wonder what those guards was thinking if they saw me through CCTV..
Haha never mind...since its 0130.... they must be bored & needed entertainment :P

So many to write...

Was back to Ipoh the past week...
In Penang for short while..
Back to KL on 30 Oct...

More bout it next post.... already 0420...
Tired but hyped up....

Going to say goodnite to my dearest Bit & Mit....

Going to read the book I just bought at Borders, Garden...

21 Oct 2009 - MIA

2009-10-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

Will be MIA for at least a week....
Its a bright sunny day..last night was cold and freezing...
Had to put on socks and mummified self before sleep...
Missing Bit Bit & Mit Mit..
They've grown so much...

Waiting for answer about my inquiry to be send to Cambodia to work for OM Cambodia with the abuse/ street children...Guess ship life is over for me for now...

20 Oct 2009 - I am truly, sincerly sorry...

2009-10-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry for hurting you again..
I regret every single moment of it...
The pain in my heart is so intense..
Cos I know I have hurt you again..
I have fail you again..
I nail you again on the cross..

I am so sorry for my wrongs...
Please forgive me...

15 Oct 2009 - Do not judge....

2009-10-15T05:55:00.001-07:00

Warning: Contain materials that may be sensitive to certain viewer. Do skip if you are not comfortable with it. Thank you.

Many times, we as human fail to recognize or does not seems to be able to practice this simple yet difficult task of NOT JUDGING OTHERS...

Many times, I realized people around me, even me myself at times, so easy to draw a conclusion or judgment upon someone else behavior or wrong doing....

"Eh that girl got pregnant by her boyfriend, what a tart. Knew she is a slut since last time...."
"That guy ah, great drama king. Pretend good but actually ....."

Who are we to judge others?
Unless we can put up our head and declare ' I am 100% blameless/faultless/sinless'
Then maybe then we can consider having the license to start judging others..

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you"
Matt 7: 1-2

It's so easy judging others... pointing out people's fault and wrong but never did we realize our fault and wrong is almost equal or maybe even bigger..

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
Matt 7: 3 - 4

It's sad when people keep holding on to this judging attitude and judge those that have fallen or sin even if the person had repented...

Judging only make those that repented more difficult in starting a new life cause of the condemnation and guilt that people keep imposing upon their life...

Instead of continue judging and condemning others that had fallen short and tried to stand up again....

Shouldn't we clap and cheer for them? Encouraging them? Telling them well done for waking up & welcoming them into the new road of life... a road of freedom & being set free from the past bondages as it no longer be able to haunt them for they are set free and cleanse?

Those that realized they had been wrong & want to change their life... its the beginning to the road of victory...

Do we not realize that it takes a lot of effort and boldness to walk that road?
They do not need additional condemnation & guilt to be inflicted upon them, as I believe they already have tons of guilt & feeling of self condemnation weighing them down...

I always love the scene where a huge crowd of people wanting to stone a prostitute to death because of her immorality and then one by one of the crowd, throw down the stone and leave when this question struck them.....

"WHO WITHOUT SIN, THROW THE FIRST STONE"

Who have not sin before? There is no such thing as too big or too small of a sin that God cannot forgive.. On the day, the very hour at the cross, "IT IS FINISH...IT IS DONE"

We are no longer subject to the slavery of sin or the guilt of it...

Same to every pain, every hard ship, every betrayal, every addiction..... the list can go on and on...

That's just my thoughts in general...not pointing to anyone...

1) Lets be honest and humble ourself in repentance
2)There is no sin that is too shameful nor to big for God, come to him. Nothing change His love
for you no matter how much you have mess up. By his grace & mercy, you are forgiven.
3)The pain or brokenness maybe so intense, surrender your pain to the Healer...

13 Oct 2009 - My childhood dream...

2009-10-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

Since young, I've always dream to be a singer/actress/model.
I really do not know why & what birth those dreams & longing...

Even as young as 8 years old, I would often dream to be someone famous one day... to appear in TV....

When everyone else was having afternoon nap, I will sneak up, changed into my bare back little dresses, silently smuggle mum's make up & started to paint my face.

Then I would stand in front of the mirror & 'admire' myself & use a comb or talcum bottle as my mic & start singing and dancing in front of the mirror...

That lead to the boldness to stand on stage & sing in front of a big group of people in Hotel Excelsior, Ipoh when I was 11 years old.

I guess those dreams are still in me. Not fully given up upon yet.

I think that was what lead to being involved in beauty pageant in 2005. Was grateful for the chance to be involved in such competition for the sake of experience. Honestly, totally had no idea bout it when I got the call from them. Did not prepare my self nor anything before I went for it.

Only regret was did not keep copies of picture during the competition & record those sessions in ASTRO.

Forget bout the whole dream for few years....

Then somehow, those dream came to surface again.... CLEO Cover Girl 2008...

I really don't understand me at times... since it was my dream... encrypted in my DNA...I should be more than happy to pursue it after all these years with the chance I've been given to be sign exclusive by modeling agency... I just let it go... do I regret it? Honestly, no...

After photo shooting session...

CLEO Feb 2009
Honestly, I do not like this picture.

I prefer the previous issue more...

Nov 2008

1 2 Oct 2009 - Forgiveness

2009-10-12T05:56:00.001-07:00

Came across this clip from youtube

It brought me to tears...

It's indeed true...

When we were hurt badly & deeply,
We will never recover until we learn to forgive.
Forgiveness does not change what had happen,
But it set us free in future.

It's indeed very true...
Easier say than done..
But it's not impossible...
Once we take the step & choose to forgive,
We are set free from the haunting of the past hurt & pain...
We can now move forward & live in the present & not living in the pass.

13 Oct 2009 - I had a dream

2009-10-12T04:37:00.000-07:00

I had a dream...
Woke up feeling funny :)

I dream I was being propose...

The scenario...

In school canteen setting....
Being proposed with a small bundle of little purple flowers wrap with those pvc book wrapper..
And ring? haha, he jus took my ring out from my finger & use the same ring to propose...

Not those romantic proposal that every girls would dream off...

:D haha... that desperate me?

Well, wedding plans postpone to next year... Not in dream but for real

Here am I , Send me to the nations...

2009-10-10T06:12:00.001-07:00

(My father)
Here am I,
Send me to the nations,
As an ambassador for You,
As an ambassador for You
Here am I.

(My children)
Ask of Me,
And I will give the nations,
As an inheritance for you
As an inheritance for you
Ask of me.

Many years back, when I first heard this song, it really stir & touch my heart so much that it brought me to tears. At the moment, I do not understand what's it all about...such simple words, how can it stir and move my heart so much? Why when I hear and as I sing along, meaning every words that I sing, as a prayer " Here am I, send me to the nations...." Tears keep flowing down. My heart felt weird as if it does not belong to me & as if I cant contain it in my body anymore...

Some years after, hearing the song again & even now, the song still have the same effect on me. Something is stirring deep down in my heart.... a calling of my life, the purpose of my life, my heart desire, my promise, my commitment .....

Here am I, send me to the nations, As an ambassador for You... Here am I

Though none go with me, still I will follow... I have decided & no turning back!

Joann Toh,
10 Oct 2009
9.30pm

10 Oct 2009 - Saturday...Piece & pieces of here & there...

2009-10-10T05:33:00.000-07:00

Realize its time to update.....

Had the 'sea sick' exp on DOULOS on my second night there.... it was really not fun... miss Sunday service on board which I was much anticipated to attend even before I left for the ship.... Miss out the Thurs prayer nite as well...

Prayer items for DOULOS:

Please pray for Dry Dock, for everything to be smooth & for the fundings & everything else. THank You...

***************************************************************************

Oh ya, the day just before I left for DOULOS, I was officially done with uni life, officially graduated.... finally. To be honest, I thought I will jump up the sky once I got my final sem results n my thesis... but, when I got my results, knowing that I am officially done with it, and do not have to worry bout it anymore... i felt neutral..I felt nothing...In fact i felt more excited bout DOULOS than it.. weird me! I am still thankful & grateful that it's finally done. Its like a huge burden been lifted off my back.

Thinking & looking back, the journey to earn this Bach (Hons) in Psychology was full of thorns, tears & winding roads... those roads are not easy to go through...but of course there were the bright and sunny side as well.

The final year was indeed tough year for me. With all that happened, I was press down and near to being crush. I nearly gave up, with all the circumstances and other stuff thats happening in my life, the increase demand of work load from assignments and project, health... Thank You God for Your strength & sustaining power. Thank you for picking me up when I fall down and for filling my cup when I was dry.

Next level of life, was feeling really confuse & uncertain... Whats next ?

MASTER
gonna take a break first def but certainly going for it. Master in Counseling & / Clinical Psychology
WORK

And yet I remember my calling, things that I've promise to do, my commitment... but at the same time I was tempted to do many other things. There are many tempting jobs that in the area that I love & with good off days.. trust me, I really mean it when I say its good off days.

5 working days, 8.30 to 5,30pm - 4 weeks fix annual leave ( 1 week for CNY, 1 week for Christmas & 2 weeks in June)

I was really tempted with this job, as a therapist and what more, got to work with children as well.

Prayed the prayer "God, I love this job very much but only if its Your will, If it's not, please close the door & let Your will be done"

Results: Confirmed its a close door...

*************************************************

Signing off,
Joann
9.09pm

29 Sept 09 - Life on MV DOULOS...

2009-09-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

The moment - arrival

Forward lounge

Info area

book ex - MV DOULOS 2009

Worked in book ex once again... miss those old ppl tat used to be in shift 1... remember all those time & fun in the book hole after book ex closed for the public & how we crazy around while cleaning & arranging books...

sitting in those big boxes & skate around & literally flying in the box (being pushed hard by others),

dancing to those musics with broom and laughing our heads off...

those sweet times...

Book ex shift 1 - 2007

This time, everyone was new, from the new pre - ship, making new friends and getting to know new people & moving on with life instead of holding back what the ship used to be with old friends etc.. things change... people move on....

Still glad to be back & meet & getting to know new people...Surprisingly, fitted into the duties fast & not as hard as i imagined to established new friendships..it just click well & fast..

And so naturally, duties was easy & it just took me a short time to be back on duty mode... welcoming people & thanking people that walked in and out from the ship just before the gangway... jus like what it used to be before.... attending to people's inquiries bout the unit systems & bout books at the info desk... checking those books without price label & labeling them..

I enjoy all of it :)

N free ice -creams at night :)

ICE CREAMS...FREE!! on sun deck..

After shift....

Back to cabin after a hot tiring day..

Signing off,
Joann Toh

26 Sept 09 - onboard MV DOULOS

2009-09-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

I feel weird to be back again to the ship,

The view of the ship, the smell of the ship, the paging system of the ship....everything bringing back pieces by pieces of memories back to my mind as if I never left the ship 2 years back..

I feel weird, not knowing most of the ship crew as most already finished the 2 years commitment and left the ship..jus one two familiar faces....

Its really hot & whole night, cant really sleep well.. it feel weird to be back in cabin and everything else....

Signing off...

Joann Toh

3.25pm (MV DOULOS LIBRARY)

25 Sept 09 - the final moment....

2009-09-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Few more hours to go....

I will be at my second home

I really dunno how to pack jus now... dun bother d, if left out anything, jus get from the ship.

I hate packing....

Finally can lie down but still feel overwhelm...

Officially graduate today, but dun really feel the joy...

Maybe PMS....

Never mind....

Few hours time, will be at the place where I call home....

MV DOULOS....

P/s: so many things to write, so many things to express..... but jus dun hav the energy...guess gotta leave it other time

Signing off,
Joann
3.15 am

counting...

2009-09-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

10 more days....DOULOS HERE I COME!

Gift from Kayoko

2009-09-15T08:43:00.001-07:00

私は触れられる.....

Various gifts : さまざまなギフト

Inside the packages

Japanese Green tea
日本の緑茶

Another type of Japanese Green Tea - love the packaging
別のタイプの日本の緑茶-包装を愛しなさい

Japanese cake

Another type of Japanese cake - Green Tea & honey

Japanese Snack biscuits

thank you so much Kayoko.... そんなにありがとう Kayoko…

Kayoko in Msia

2009-09-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, after picking her up from KLIA, it was kinda awkward cause I've forgotten how to communicate in Japanese.. it was much easier when I was in Japan... ended up...the whole journey, hardly communicate...I am so sorry

First meal in Msia was home cook meal ...

Break my own record...yesterday was out & walked more than 8 hours... from 12pm to nearly 12 am.. had never been walking and out for such long hours since I got slip disc...

First stop 最初停止: Little Tree, Kuchai Lama. Kayo had Ipoh Kai See Hor Fun &
mango soda

Wen to Mid Valley after that...Kayo wanted to buy sandals & ended up having the same one ;)

Went up the Genting after that...

Went to Petaling street & Central market after that.. She tried ice mata kuching & tau foo fa, bought batik souvenir, sarong & wooden bookmarks..

Next stop was KLCC & starbucks...

Exhausted already...

Went to CK's food court for dinner..

Satay

String ray ikan bakar

Chick wings

popiah

Went to Sunway Piramid after that...

Send her to airport 6 am this morning..

Hope u enjoyed ur self Kayo, my dear friend..

p/s:
hehe, scare her wif BELACAN on the very first day, first meal she had in Msia...after that, she dare not try anything spicy... ikan bakar spice had to be separated... Her respond was... "more spicy than Wasabi (belacan the malaysia wasabi)

Sun..

2009-09-13T01:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday half way through service (worship), I saw someone walking up the stairs.. I couldn't believe my eyes in the beginning, I thought my eyes playing tricks on me..

There he was... like his old self as if nothing had happen...

Somewhere in May, Rev Peter Chin had brain Aneurysms and was in critical condition...saw him the very day it happen in Ipoh Specialist Hospital (unconscious), Gleneagles Hospital (critical war of life - where he had second rupture & was having heavy bleeding inside - where doc said very slim chance of recovery)....and slowly... he is semi conscious to conscious & able to smile & acknowledge people that visited him.

Used to stand by his bed side in ICU, singing praises to him & reading to him from Psalms, remember there was once his hand grip on mine was so strong & I was worry if he was in pain or discomfort..

Yesterday... there he was, climbing the stairs for service...walked into the church (without any crutches or wat so ever) ... smiling.. many heads turned when saw him walking in, eyes grow as big as saucepan, mouth form a big O ..

It was indeed a miracle seeing him recovering so fast...watching him from my seat, with tears threaten to spill from the corners of my eyes... I am thankful & amaze by what God has done in his servant life.. His miracle healing and answered prayers..

Got to chat with Ps Peter after the service, he talked well, even joke well like his own self..

*******************************************

Its 5.07om now...gotta go to KLIA in short while to fetch Kayoko...Will be arriving bout 6.40 pm..
Cooking dinner tonite...

Signing of,
A speck of sand in this world, a precious diamond in God's eyes.- SUAN EE, JOANN

Fri...

2009-09-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Had a blast with hse mates jus now, co coincidently all from Perak. Cooked dinner, each one handle one dish..
Joann: vege dish (broccoli & chicken)
Ally: Baked beans & eggs
Leah: soup (choi sum - sawi & ikan bilis + chicken soup)

Dunno what was added into the dishes...after meal, 3 of us siao n non stop crapping.. Cover from topic of Brazilian wax to ****** ( u wil not wanna noe :P )

This Sunday we gonna cook again..

- ABC or lotus (leng ngau) soup
- vege (cauliflower)
- fish (bawal)
- chicken chop

After meal: grapes & oranges...

*************************************

Cant wait to stay & sleep in cabin again..I really miss it sooo much...

*******************************

Something activated my memory & make those bitter feeling towards this person coming to surface..

I HOLD BITTERNESS TOWARDS THIS PERSON I DESPISE THIS PERSON I AM ANGRY

I know I need to forgive & move on... Whats the point of me feeling all these, when the person dont even know anything & happily continuing life.

I've wasted enough years with you... I have wasted my time and everything else... I know you will not be reading this here... I wish I never know you... I hate those back stab words you spoken & stories you been telling others about me & how your story affect others impression & perceptions towards me. U know yourself, every word & story u've spoken, deep down if you were to be honest with yourself... what is the purpose of it?? To defend urself & to be in denial of the truth... I really hate it when you do this, this is not the first time!

I am glad I walked out... I am glad I do not need to have anything more to do with you... I am glad to make this step to erase you from my life & world.

However, of course I still remember how you used to help me & bless me with things, support & finance.. Like how you supported me when I was in DOULOS in KK, recently before things turn sour & every little things here & there... Of course I appreciate it a lot & thankful for all of it...

Damage been done.. I admit I have wrong u too & I do apologies & I indeed regrets those words that I have said out of anger..of course I don't mean it.

Anyway, I am glad its all over & never again will we ever meet nor talk... not in the next 5 years time I am sure...

God, give me your grace to forgive just as you have forgive me.

Signing out,
Joann

Change my heart O God, Make it ever true
Change my heart O God,May I be like You...
You are the potter, I am the clay
Mold me & make me.. This is what I pray...

Japan 2007

2009-09-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

My special time in Japan....

Super wonderful guard that keep me accompany during my shift with his jokes & candies..

Cold & beautiful weather

Wonderful ministry time in Japan with high school students

In the head master office

Students visiting the ship

Classroom

International Nite

Locals visiting ship

DOULOS cafe ministry

DOULOS Outing - Nagasaki Atomic Bomb Museum

CAfe Ministry - where I met this wonderful lady (Kayoko Hishida)
She came back to the ship.. giving me tour around Japan..

Geisha village

Beautiful Japanese Restaurant for lunch

Our expensive lunch..

Outside Japanese cafe - special macha & mochi

I miss Japan...friends...time...memories...ministries...

Kayo..i hope I am able to give you a memorable time here in Msia..jus as how deep u had touched n impressed in my heart... during my time in Japan

Sad...

2009-09-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

I love this hse.. i dun wanna leave.. I dun feel like leaving this house...I dun dare to think how to move all those stuff that I have... How to pack... If only I can :(

Yet I am excited... Doulos here I come again....

Coming Sunday... a dear friend.. a lady whom I met on DOULOS in Japan two years back coming...Hmmm... where should I take her...

KLCC?
ZOO?
PETALING STREET?
MUSEUM?

My little darlings...

2009-09-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

Little Dino return....

Baby fish...in assorted color..so cute

Bit & Mit praying... hehe... they cleaning & wiping their faces after feeding them medication... I love watching them.. they actions never fail to amuse me... they are so adorable.. whenever I went near their cage...they will come forward and greet me.. love watching them cuddling each other, cleaning each other n 'kissing' each other.. jus now, saw them facing each other, nose touching nose..n moving their little heads.. I love them, my little babies.. Whenever they fall sick, or less active, it got me worry... do not wish them to end up like little blanket...

Bought little Blanket for my sister..took it back to Ipoh together with Bit & Mit.. She was just about a month old.. fall sick & we brought her to vet (injection & infusion) ... she was so weak... I was so worry for her.. Wen to Cameron on Merdeka day.. during the journey was thinking bout her & had a feeling that she wouldn't make it that day... Once reached home, jump off the car, ran into the house & true enough ... Blanket has left us for good :(

Miss her adorable little head peeping us whenever we watch tv...cuddling & playing with her....watching her....

MIA

2009-08-25T12:57:00.001-07:00

Will be MIA for at least a week...
Lots of pic to be uploaded....
Lots stuff to be done....
Lots traveling...
Tired...

HUngry...

2009-08-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

Feeling hungry now... waiting for my house mate to ta pao for me...
Lazy to update post.. many pics to load and things to write....
Mean time, while waiting for my dinner...might as well update blog a bit..

Bit Bit & Mit Mit fall sick (tummy bloated prob) after having too much alfalfa hay.. the hay was suppose to be their bedding...but both pandai2 n greedily go eat up everything =_= patut la fall sick...

I realized something was not right wen I saw both not really eating n poo'ing well... usually they eat and poo a lot ...

Was so worry bout them... Used to complain they poo a lot & wish they produce lesser papaya seeds...

Wen they was sick... hardly any papaya seeds and even if there were... its lik so much smaller ..

Wen to Vet @ Old Klang road and the vet respond to me was ............

ok, Imagine tis... (giving me the kind of look)

" Hmmm.... I think its very serious... critical.... they might not make it... can try giv them med but ...."

I was lik.. WT...bought the antibiotic & wen bac to car.... hmmm.. feel really tk puas hati...
Wen to another Vet near my condo...
Much better tis one :)

Told me most prob due to alfalfa hay..too high protein & carbo... advice me to feed Timothy hay instead....

Bought med & wen bac to feed Bit Bit & Mit Mit...
First time... It was really struggle....
Remind me of those time wen mum & poh poh feed baby...how they yell... struggle...refusing to take in the med .. moving head away from the feeding syringe ...

Tats exactly wat happen wen I first tried to feed them...

Place the syringe by their mouth & slowly release the med... they struggle... refuse it.. med kena their fur & legs & my hand instead ... swt....

Much better now... Mit Mit more kuai.. he will lick the med... but Bit Bit refuse to open mouth....

Took them to the Vet again yesterday to double check... both in good condition :)

************************************************************************************

Wen for 30 Famine yesterday at Stadium Bukit Jalil... So fast, without me realizing... this year was the 7th year of me joining FAMINE camp.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thesis defense went really well by God grace :)
It was the most relax presentation / defense ever...
Was feeling so stress up before the defense ....
THank God & thank you for all the prayers :D

*************************************************************************************

Tired.....

2009-08-18T03:47:00.000-07:00

Tired... Jus reached home...Some pic up first :)

Bit Bit new fren....Nit Nit

2009-08-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Bit Bit (Pit Pit) got her new fren today.. a new boy friend... a new companion... a new partner...

Nit Nit arrived this morning to a pet shop in IKANO POWER CENTRE...

Nit Nit, was brought home in the evening & place together wif Bit Bit (Pit Pit)...

Bit Bit 1st respond was......

JUMP to Nit Nit & smell him, & lead to...
smelling each other...

Nit Nit acted cool and retreated to the other corner and ignore Bit Bit...

Nit having his first meal @ new home

Bit Bit wen over to Nit Nit.... trying to make fren wif him.... stretch & lie down beside him....Head to head...manja'ing...

Bit wen over to make fren wif Nit

manja'ing wif each other

They are so cute :)

Nit Nit stil act macho & cool...
Bit Bit got fed up & ignore him...
Bit Bit: " Huh, action...dun wan layan me nvm... I enjoy my pellets better... bleh"
Bit wen away, enjoy her food & back to her bedding ...dun wan choy Nit...

Each at one corner....

Note:

Hmmm.... Nit still not toilet train yet...simply shi shi every where .... Need to train him to be lik Bit liao... only one corner & specific place shi shi & umm umm..

Return of Bit Bit (Pit Pit)

2009-08-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Bit Bit had her first bath (sort of) la.. or should I say body cleaning session jus now...
Hse mate & me play wif her after our dinner....
Too irresistible not to play wif lo...
At first dun wan to touch her cos dirty...N lazy to clean cage 1st...
But then clean cage for her n decided to clean Bit Bit as well...

Ready?? ok.. Imagine tis...

Two gals get ready to clean Bit Bit
Two little pail was prepared... one empty & one with quarter fill WARM WATER
Two face towel was prepared.... one dry to wipe the body & another one wet to clean body.... (both towel & pail specially bought for Bit Bit)
Both afraid of scaring and hurt Bit Bit accidentally
Fan off - afraid Bit Bit feeling cold -__-
Slowly & gently wipe Bit Bit ( I in- charged of wiping & Leah in - charged of holding Bit Bit up in standing position)
Task done.... Bit Bit return 'home'

Bit Bit enjoying her new temporary bed

Bit Bit bathing/cleaning/playing pail

Noti Bit Bit nibbling the towel

Note: Cant wait for 'replacement' of Little Dino to arrive :) . Its at Johor now...

A little bit or here... A little of there.....

2009-08-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

Finally...thesis is over...still feel da pain though....coming next thesis defense on the 19 Aug... wa!!!!

Got a new house mate...jus shifted her stuff in jus now...will be officially staying in on 15
My room in a mess now...with all those papers...journals....test used for thesis.....all scattered on the floor...looked exactly after kena ransack... Well...this is post war look :D

*********************

Genting was ok....not very cold....I got 'stare' by people that pass by... I wonder y.... Genting got rule & dress code ge meh?? That every one MUST wear LONG SLEEVES & LONG PANTS??

Got my very first SCARY experience on cable car when coming down jus now...
It was very misty, windy & can hardly see in front...
Was in the cable car,going down....
Not even half way...the cable car jolt to stop...
Was left dangling up there...
Worst...it was so misty...cant even see the front cable car or anything....
And much worst....the cable car started rocking... something like when u rock baby in the cradle...
It's not fun...i dun wan theme park trill here...I jus wanna go down... sob sob...
Thank God it started to move again not too long after tat...
Then half way...argh...again....for the SECOND time....it stop again...
But this time not tat scary cos the mist has cleared & not so windy...cable car was kinda more stable....swt..

Kena stuck time

Finally

2009-08-12T01:35:00.001-07:00

Finally.... its done...its over....

I was awake till 7 am this morning and sleep for few hours and continued at 12pm just now.

Its all done....hmmm...but I am feeling not satisfy....there are more I wanna add...more journals to review....to add in tables....information....

Its all over now....Lord, please let Your favor be upon my thesis....

I am definitely going to treat myself....

I am going to Genting now...hehe..... just to relax and enjoy.

I definitely deserve it after these hard work :D

Bye Bye blog for 24 hours.....

Thesis..thesis...& THESIS...

2009-08-11T06:48:00.001-07:00

This thesis is really a pain in the you know where....
Damn Freaking tired....

+_+

CLEO gals dinner...

2009-08-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

Suppose to meet with all of the girls at 6pm at Dome,MV.
Rain so heavy ended up everyone was late...
I was the first to reach at bout 7 pm...
Ended up only 3 of us turn up...
It was a good time though :)

Planned some holiday trips and slumber party..
Proposed holiday location:

- Bali
- Pulau Perhentian
- Malacca

:) cant wait.....

Anyway..we decided to have our slumber party over at Nat's place...
Will be a nite of fun..called delivery pizza and a movie marathon... romance followed by horror...
Next day, we will all book in for pedicure at 1 U...

Thats the only motivation for me right now...something to look forward...a reward for me to complete this damn painful thesis...

Gosh, can't wait for it all to be over :D

Joe & Jas

Joe & Nat

*****************************************************************

Bit Bit (Pit Pit) was so noti today...before I left at bout 6 plus.. I gave her clean water and refill her food bowl...

When I came home just now at bout 2 am... my house mate told me tat Bit Bit (Pit Pit) overturn the water container and wet the whole cage...

And also decorated the whole cage with tiny tiny black ball ball ( look lik papaya seeds to me)
So many .... so messy...haiz....

Wanted to get Pit Pit a patner but I change my mind looking at the mess Pit Pit capable off... Imagine 2 together... No eyes see d that time....

Thesis... & Bit Bit (Pit Pit)

2009-08-09T09:09:00.001-07:00

Thesis due coming Wednesday..much more to be done...my back pain came back...
But it's ok...cause I know I can do all things through Him who gives me strength...
Plus whenever I feel tired and back sore...
I just need to lie down and watch my cute little bit bit...
I enjoy watching her eating, rubbing her tiny little nose with her little paws
and stand on two hind legs..
And how she poke her little nose out from the cage...

A Tribute to Litlte Dino...

2009-08-04T04:27:00.000-07:00

Though u have not been in my life for long..
You are not difficult to fall in love with...
Your charm caught my attention the very first hour I saw you...
Your charm helps me to overcame my fear...
Just as I grew to like you and adore you...
You left me 2 days later...
I will have to get another replacement...
But little Dino...
there will be no other that could replace you...
For you were...and always will be my dearest and very first
ADORABLE LITTLE DINO....

Lover of my soul...

2009-08-02T04:25:00.000-07:00

If its not for you in my life...I will not be able to stand till today,
If its not for you in my life...giving me strength,
Encouraging me to take every single step,
Holding my hands pulling me up when I fall...

I believe I will be long given up, stumble and fall..
I will be struck down and destroy..
I will be crush by the weight of the world, the pain and hurt of the world..

All these years, many times I walk away from you,
Rejected you when you wanna help me,
Ignore you when you call me..
Turn away your helping hand,
Turn away your love..
Telling you that I don't need you in my life..

Despite all my rejection towards you, I am amazed and touch by your love
You are still faithful to me,
Wait upon me to come back to you,
Gently calling out to me all the time
And watching over me

You have never once lost hope or trust in me
You have never once turn away from me
You have never let go of me
Now I know..Its all because you love me...

When you tell me you love me,
You will do everything for me even till death..
I believe you..
Cause that is how much and how deep you love me..

Thank you for your love...
Thank you for holding me up,
Being there for me all the time,
Walk with me through tears and joy,

And now...
I will give you my heart
I give you my soul
I wanna love you with all I am
Not to hold back cause I know I can trust in you and your love
And with you here in my life
I lack nothing

With you in my life,
With the depths of your love for me,
I have all the richness and happiness of the world,

What else do I need when I have you
For you are my everything

I love you...
I yearn to love you more...
There is no turning back now...
Because I know I can stop seaching...
For I have found the love, the true love of my life.

Touched,,

2009-08-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

We always take for granted education and the opportunity to be able to attend school...For some one, a child, that has no birth cert and decline the right to school...It is indeed a long wait...What touched me most is her sentence

"I feel sad when I see other people can go school"

After years of waiting and prayer & hard work..finally....

I remembered 2 weeks back..she was so excited...running up to me...

"akka, I can go school d, I got my birth cert, I feel happy"

I am happy for you too, dear little Gayatri.. :)

Kenangan Zaman Sekolah....

2009-07-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

Tak ku sedar, dah hampir 9 tahun sejak tamat sekolah menengah...
Teringat kembali masa sekolah dulu...Kenangan yang sentiasa kan terpahat di hati dan ingatan ini.... Kenangan yang akan membuat ku tersenyum dan rindu..

Murni...
Ingat lagi masa Murni join RPS.. Kita start close masa time form 3.sama kelas. Duduk kat depan meja cikgu, sama2 hias meja ngan Winnee da Pooh wrapping paper :) .. Ada s'kali tu budak skolah ptg rosakkan meja Murni.. tulis surat ugut, marah budak tu mcm2, haha, pas tu kena panggil cikgu diciplin sb bdk tu report. Joann ingat dan simpan lg bday present Murni bg .. tabung bob dog & music box..

Form 4..Form 5...masih kelas sama...geng dari 2 org bertambah ke 5 org.. Pai,Wani & Haida masuk geng.. Ingat lagi masa SPM, kite duduk bersebelahan...Murni dapat kertas Moral, Joann dapat kertas ujian Pend. Islam :)

Murni, Joann hargai persahabatan kita selama ni.. Joann belajar banyak dari Murni masa zaman sekolah dulu..

Pairus....
Dalam 5 org dlm geng, Pai paling comel :) .. Ingat lagi kite giler rebut nama teletubbies :) Pas tu, ms time free... kite nyanyi2 kat belakang kelas.. Pai janji nk bg lampin baby kat Joann klu Joann kahwin, pas tu nk ambik 'anak cencurut' jd anak angkat... haha..rasanye Pai yg kahwin dl skrang ni..tg la lampin dr Joann nanti

Masa SPM... ingat lagi kiter study sama2 kat hostel, pas tu masak bubur tgh malam dlm bilik hostel :) ... sahur sama2.. mandi sama2 kat 'kolam' hostel ...

Haida & Wani... dah lama tk de contact...kat mane skrang..tg bt ape..dh kahwin ke blm...hope dpt contact ngan u all satu hr nanti..

Tak sabar nk jumpe lg...

Emo...

2009-07-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

Feeling emo now...definitely gotta to do with raging hormones...once a month thingy..Many things had happened the past few months since I last wrote here...

To begin with, my back was and is much better..really thank God for that...
Completing my thesis and it is due next month, 12...many more to be done...
I finally let go of 'something' that I should have let go long ago..holding on to it all these years, knowing sooner or later its best to let go, but it only happen recently...finally...I do feel release and other mix emotions..but most important...its done finally...move on is next.
Supposed to attend an interview this morning, but postponed it to coming Thursday..They had called me few times and suppose to go on last Sat, but I postponed it to today but having cramp..postponed it to Thursday... the interview is for the post of behavior therapist for Autism children...

Back

2009-07-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

Been away for so long.... just finished exam on second week of July and completing my final thesis now. Jus some random picture

Waves..one after another...

2009-03-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

Pass weeks since I last updated .... one after another big waves trying to crush me down and drown me...and yet I am still standing still and refuse to give in because THE GOD IN ME, THE GOD THAT IS WITH ME IS BIGGER....MUCH BIGGER THAN THE GIANTS AND WAVES IN MY LIFE!!!

WEDNESDAY 18
Was happily there at Ipoh celebrating mum's birthday....went back and check my mail happily...end up.....received and saw mail that really affect me so much...can't really describe how I was feeling...sad?? hurt?? angry?? mix all in one big emotion...e mail was regarding someone said I did something that I did not do (being accuse here) and without clarifying with me, e mail was send (mass e mail) to all leaders assuming that I really did what the person claim I did.... Is it fair to me??? without even checking with me?? clarifying with me??? Was really upset....determined to make things clear and get the person to make amendment to all that been said and damage done...

THURSDAY 19
Woke up feeling not nice...last nite effect is still there....2.30pm....suddenly....just one normal sneeze....nothing special or big bout the sneeze....I felt extreme pain on my lower back...seriously painful...cold sweat....vision turning black....nearly black out feel.....forcefully tried to walk from kitchen to hall and sit on the sofa...was still painful..expecting the pain to leave any minutes...but it choose to stay....manage to lie down...but still feeling the pain everytime I tried to move..even minor movement to my upper part of my body....the pain was really unbearable...

While lying down....many nervous and panic thoughts came to my mind....
what happen to me??? slip disk???
Do I need go hospital?? Will I be able to walk again??
Is it more serious than I think it is???

Getting more & more restless and worried as time tick pass.... 3.30pm...4.30 pm.... 5.30pm.... no better....to make matter worst.... need to go to the toilet and was my second day of period...but I can't get up..everytime I tried I felt so painful...unbearable....

6.30pm....7.30pm...8.30 pm... my bladder getting fuller....feeling more panic and uncomfortable...God help me!! tried to sit up again...again intense pain...

Doctor came my house...gave me steroid injection and some other pain killer and muscle relaxation pills...by 12.30 am....thank GOd, by His mercy....I am able to slowly sit up...get u...walked to the toilet....release my bladder....clean my self....

Next day...was better....went for x ray etc...

Ok, break time from all those stressful stories...commercial time...

my darling adorable cute intelligence little cousin sis.... 2 years plus... Simmy gal...
Saw me in pain the previous day and could not wake up (Thurs)
In the morning, at her hose before she came over...

Mimi gal: Mummy...I want take lotion help Joann akka put leg....then can walk already...
Mum allowed her to bring along the big pink bottle of Johnson baby lotion....
Mimi gal: thank you so much,Mummy....

so cute :) ... not ended yet...

at my house, i was lying down on the mattress at the hall...
she put some lotion on her hands and rub onto mu legs...
then came up to me and asked me... "better d not?"
answered her feeling better d....
Mimi gal.: try wake up la...
I sit up slowly for her....and her respond was really priceless...

she was shouting "YEAH...." clapping her hands....and then raise both hands up & say "HALLELUJAH"
:) all that from 2 years plus old kid...

ok...back to story..

All these happened near my birthday.... suppose to do a BBQ and have fun with all frens and family...family coming to KL etc...

22 March.... birthday... had the BBQ anyway...not as fun cause my back feeling pain, uncomfortable and couldn't walk much...even sitting too much makes it feel pain...tense..uncomfortable....

but...I am grateful to all family and frens that came and help out and make my day...love you guys....hugs...

27 March...went to HSC specialist... had my very first physio and chiropractic experience.... going again tomorrow... twice a week for two months....

Even now, sitting here typing this blog...was not pleasant to my back...I need to stand up..walk a while and lie down....and now already feel tense and pulling at the lower back....

Saturday, 28 March..thought could settle the issue in proper manner.... but :(
It was not a pleasant experience...it went ok till someone came in and without even care to listen and hear and understand the whole situation.... just came in into the conversation and ...... ..... ....... I was controlling myself from saying anything that will not be pleasant & stopping my self from just walking away....

Well, no point talking anymore cause he is not listening...jus assume he knows and understand...but actually he dont...not at all...His tone was not pleasant at all... Don't feel like leaving the matter like that and let it be assumed that I did what people claim I did... I am still praying and seeing what I need and need not do.....

Thank God for his grace & strength...and those that knew bout this and praying for me.... I believe thats the reason I am still standing still instead of being wash off my feet and tossed into the sea when the waves hit me....

I am not feeling as affected as I used to feel whenever storms and waves hits unto my life....In fact, I've learn to see it differently a bit...and choose to rise above it....

Indeed, I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength...

Memory.......In Kanazawa, Japan

2009-03-15T03:35:00.000-07:00

One of the most heart breaking encounter I had in Japan when I was with MV DOULOS.... One that will always be in my heart....

Was walking and enjoying at a park and doing some quiet time, hearing my mp3 of worship songs....it was after I had done my shopping at a mall which is 30 minutes walk from the port...as usual....bought lots of food stuff..was really greedy when I was there....always get hungry no matter how much I eat....haha...I remembered there is one night when I was on my bed in my cabin at night...munching happily, greedily & illegally away....my cabin mate....from Korea walked over to my bed and ask me....I see you eat a lot and nearly everytime I saw you eating in cabin...but how you maintain your figure....I guess its the cold wheather that makes me eat lot....to keep warm :D

Ok..back to the main topic.... bought lots of sushi and yakult drink, thinking & share with my shift mates later before we start work at 5pm... and sitting under a tree at the park...enjoying the quietness ( it is hardly quiet in DOULOS especially in book ex) and I saw something that really breaks my heart....

As I was sitting there...with lots of food in packages beside me.....this man...in his 40s....went to the big rubbish bin right in front of me....bout 50 m away....digging into the bin....searching for food.....found some and place some remainder food that he found into his mouth....

I was....I was completely broken.... tears swells in my eyes.....my heart felt really painful at the sight of it....I couldn't resist it any longer...I gotta do something....I just can't let it go and pretend didn't see anything.... I dig into my packages of food and took a big box of sushi, walked over to the man, hand out the food to him without saying anything.....

That sight.... really brought me down to tears..... broke my heart..... awaken me.....
************************************************************************************

The more we should be thankful of what we have..... thankful that we have a home, a shelter, food and everything....

REMINDER.....

2009-03-15T03:04:00.000-07:00

Sitting at the counter at food court now, raining cats and dogs....As I sitting here, looking at the heavy downpour, hearing the loud sound of the rain hitting aluminum roof...I am reminded of all the blessings that God has shower, pour heavily down upon my life....things that I have seems to be forgotten as some times....things that i choose to keep away in a closet deep down in my heart...

Just like the rain pouring down so heavily..just like how God has open the flood gate of heaven and flood my life with his wonderful blessings...

I was reminded how blessed I was and am with all that I have now....which I sometimes, or many times fail to realize as compared to those less fortunate...

I was reminded of the wonderful time and opportunity that He bless me for opening the door for me to join DOULOS and to be able to visit wonderful countries and had a wonderful time there in Taiwan, Japan & Korea.... Best time of my 25 years of life, which I wouldn't treat with silver or gold nor anything...

Lessons, trials that seems to be pain but actually a blessing in disguise, for it makes me a stronger girl....

Faithful and wonderful sister & brother that walked together with me and still walking with me when I am down in the valleys with shadows around me...

All the joy that He brought to my life....giving me to experience what He knows I am interested in, like to be in CLEO...

Even small things that I seems to take for granted most of the time...like
1. my beloved new acoustic guitar
2. the fact that I can open my eyes and face a new day
3. the fact that I have food to eat every single day of my life...
4. i have hands and legs that I could work and walk with
5. the many clothing, shoes and novels that i love & treasure
6.education

and the list can go on & on....

and also most important of all....
I HAVE SOMEONE THAT I KNOW AND FOR SURE CAN LOOK TO AND COUNT ON EVERY SINGLE SECONDS OF MY LIFE AND
HAVING A FAMILY...PAPA, MUMMY, SARAH.....

Why should I even or ever complain?? With all these blessings in my life....I should be one of the happiest person in the whole universe....

I am really thankful for all that I have..... I don't need to be a billionaire to be rich but I am rich with all that I have and had.....

I'm grateful for Your love....I love You much!!!

yEAH YEAH.....

2009-03-02T03:53:00.000-08:00

I GOT MY BABY .......... :)
MORE STORY TO COME....JUS A PREVIEW.....

:)
:):)
:):):)

Flying Roach......@#%&^%(&*^$#@

2009-02-20T07:45:00.001-08:00

Hello... I am back....
Presenting my first very post after such long silence.....
All on stupid flying big SIU KEONG!!!!

Fri...no class...so ma relax relax a bit lo after mid term...
Was lying down on the sofa at the hall...
Wif big pillow for my head...
A smaller one to hug...
My "cloth" for me to play wif my fingers.."my tok tok pillow"
A container of my favorite chocolate "BEryl's RaIsIn" on the floor next to the sofa....
A bottle of water....
My IKEA light blue throw as my blanket.....
And most important...my book..."THE WEDDING DAY" by Cat Alliott.

Nothing is more relaxing than having a book and lying down reading and doing nothing the whole day...popping chocolates into my mouth...
Enjoyin every single moment of it....
TILL.....

Tis intruder.... *jeng jeng jeng**
Dengan segala macho nye.....
Flew into the hall like super man.... through the windows....
Landed near the curtains...

Me....
*&^$#%
ok..ok... time to practice CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) on self now...
Talk to self...
Ok, no need scare one la..
jus a tiny SIU KEONG only ma that can fly...
no need scare geh....
Jus leave it la...it won't kacau me if I don't kacau it...

Continue reading....
Not as relax d though...
Curi - curi c where the stupid thing is doing...
Then I started to flap its wings...action la tu!!

OK....don't panic Joann..
Won't come to you one!
Jus continue read..

Reluctantly...get back to my book...
At this time... the stupid flying creature ..
Guess it's tired of not getting the attention that it wants...
Try to get my attention by..
FLYING TOWARDS ME...

OK..point taken SIU KEONG
U got my attention..my full 110% attention now...HAPPY??!!

Apa lagi...RUN for my life and SHRIEK......
Ran into my room....close the door quickly...
Stuff cloths to cover the hole below the door...
Just in case...for SAFETY PRECAUTION!!!

Stayed locked in my room...
Sulking..there goes my precious moments...
And due to emergency to evacuate the hall...
I left my book there on the sofa...
Sob sob sob...

What happen to the bad bad SIU KEONG???

*
**
***
****
*****

Someone came back...
MY HERO....
SIU KEONG was happily there...'sitting' on the TV table near my lap top...

Took newspaper....rolled it...
then...SMASH!!!

Haha....tamatlah riwayat seekor lipas
And there goes it's body...down & down
from 12 floor to 11..10...9...8..7...6..5..4..3..2..1...thud....smashed & broken...

Thought of taking a picture of it nicely 'sitting' near my lap top
Claiming it's territory...
But sorry la...though I would love too..
But not till the extend of risking my life...
:)

Just a little update..

2008-12-14T06:36:00.000-08:00

Been out of blog for sometimes...not abandoning it though...

Went through crazy weeks...

Assignments, thesis & exams...

Just wen I thought everything is going to slow down & thinking of taking a rest after exam (13 Dec)

More things pop up......

Was at JB for ESP camp & received a phone call from dad.......

telling me.....

JOANN, PREM AH YEE JUST PASS AWAY MINUTES AGO....

I was lik.....what??!!!

Took few minutes for reality to sank in.....

Tears in eyes.....trying not to let it flow down...trying to contain it at the eyes....

Trying to hide to feeling of lost with smiles.....

Finally.... as I stepped into the car....

I allowed myself to release all the emotions....

Cried & cried.... feeling the lost.... feeling the sorrow in heart losing someone dear....

Memories with her...flashed back into my mind....

Two weeks back in the hospital.... massaging her feet and praying for her...

Seeing her on the hospital bed... giving up...looking weak....

Remember her saying in between her breath that day...

" I FEEL SO TIRED AFTER WAR...I WANT GIVE UP... I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE, Y WAN DIE ALSO SO DIFFICULT? U HELP ME KNOCK MY HEAD AND MAKE ME FAINT LA.... I WANT REST"

I could do was continue to pray for her as my hands massing her legs...

Prayed PSALMS 23 over her while fighting the wave of emotions building up in me....

"Lord, please don't let her go before she encounter You in her life"

Left the room with tears in my eyes....

Wanted to return other day, plan to do so after my exams which suppose to be this few days...

But..... she already left this world to the other world....

Also went I went to DOULOS.... she was the one that arrange the Insurance Agent for me and bought for me travel insurance despise her feeling not well that time, after chemo treatment...

************************

More traveling to do.... from JB today.... to Ipoh tomorrow..... Funeral will be Tuesday morning...
and back to KL on Tuesday for CLEO final photo session on Wednesday evening.

BUSY!! BUSY!! BUSY!!

2008-11-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

No time to update blog & won't be having the time to do so till mid Dec...

Thesis proposal presentation - 29 Nov'08, 9.50 am
Progress: CRITICAL: Stuck at research design

Thesis proposal report due: 10 Dec '08, 5 pm
Progress: 30 %

House shifting: By end of Nov '08
Progress: 50 %

Final exam: 1st paper : 4 Dec'08
: 2nd paper: 11 Dec '08
: 3rd paper: 13 Dec '08

CLEO shopping & activities day for 10 finalist: 12 Dec '08 10.30 am - 5.30 pm

22 Nov: Forensic assignment due - completed
14 Nov: Forensic project due - completed
13 Nov: Business presentation - done

*******************************************

Christmas mime presentation : due 25 Dec 11 am

STILL

2008-11-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

I am learning.... still learning.... sounds and spells so simple...

" BE STILL"

Many times I am at that place...wanting to be STILL but HOW???

Feeling a little overwhelm lately... experiencing some emotional tremors, anxieties, fear, stressful circumstances...

All these combining together with physical sickness... what a match... and talk about good timing..

Learning to release everything upon His shoulder, to allow Him to worry for me...

Learning to think & worry about NOTHING..but just BE STILL and REST in His presence

To dwell in His love and care... to hide under His strong arms...

To lie down at His feet and enjoy His presence...

Just be STILL....REST.....WAIT....

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT

HE MAKES ME LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES

HE LEADS ME BESIDES QUIET WATERS

HE RESTORES MY SOUL

(PSALM 23)

When I was feeling overwhelm, so overwhelm in fact ...

Till it makes me literally feeling sick in the stomach....

Cold sweats and cold hands and feet...

4 am in the morning... still could not go to rest...

Feeling so anxious... thinking what was wrong with me and by worrying...making me feeling worst...

Tears of frustration and tiredness flows...

Many thoughts were going inside my mind...

But as I read this verse PSALMS 23...

Meditate on every single words, visualizing & proclaiming it...

Comfort flows in...giving me assurance and new strength...

With the song "There is none like You" playing....

It really touches my heart and my soul...

I was reminded again..I am not alone and will never be alone....

He is there all the time....

"There is none like You...

No one else can touch my heart like You do...

I could search for all eternity long...

And find there is none like You...

Your mercies flows like a river wide...

And healing comes from Your hands...

Suffering children are safe in Your arms....

There is none like You...."

"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND

PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE

PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR

HEARTS AND MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS"

This is my prayer Lord...I do not to be anxious but in everything, I want to present it to You in prayers.. and I pray that Your peace, joy and all understanding will guard my heart and my mind in Your name...Amen...

For I know never will You leave me and never will You forsake me...

SIck...

2008-11-04T03:54:00.000-08:00

Of all the time.. the virus really chose the "most perfect time" to attack my immune system...

List of things I need to do:

1. Wednesday: Sharing @ cell
2.Thursday: Test worth 10%
3.Friday:Forensic project due worth 15%

And now all things are stuck cos I am really down with fever, flu and most annoying throat itch....

2 sickness that I hate the most....

Nausea & vomiting
Throat irritation & itch...

Energy level : low
Alertness level: below average

Hot....Hot...Hot...

2008-10-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

The weather is so so so so hot...Nothing much recently..been busy with assignments and reports..watching CSI and Forensic related movies or series few hours a day...all for my Forensic project and assignment...Gosh...all those terms stuck in my mind after watching hours daily...

Been busy condo searching..

Went back to Ipoh Deepavali week... my mum...this is what she has done and still doing...

I was at hall, feeling lazy...lying down on the mattress and watching CSI...with my pajamas & really mess up hair..hair tied..with bits and pieces sticking out from everywhere.... thats how I look like when mum came back from TESCO and announce we have guest...some relative..never see him before....

Of course my very first reaction..as quite as lightning...zoom...there I go...zap into the room and hide myself...

And my sis...pick up the mattress and what ever it was that lying on the floor...as usual when both of us are around: books, comics, water bottle...all was swept under the sofa for time being :D

Don't want to be rude and that obvious that I am hiding..quickly fix my hair and went out to say hi...and my mum walking towards the sofa with something with her...

My eyes was fixed at the TV screen, interesting and exciting part...and ........... there she goes...

Opening the CLEO magazine to the page where the 10 finalist photos was...
"Take a look at this 10 gals, which one you choose & one of the family member..is in there..guess which number..."

And there it goes...me feeling sooo embarrassed & trying to hide my face... At the messy and untidy state I was in that time..I don't want people to look at me ... already tried to remain as low profile as possible so he wont really realize I was there..sob sob sob...all ruin.... thanks mum :)

It did not end there... guess what's next... mum was ever ready with an entry form glued on a postcard and pass to him to vote...

Got to know that they was already talking bout it in the car b4 that and the purpose he came in was just to see the magazine and to vote....Good PR mum ;)

*************************

2008...A year of Giants for me...

2008-10-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

Another 2 months & 11 days... all that is left for year 2008 will only be memories...

Year 2008: Indeed a year of giants for me. A year full of trials and tribulation.

My life was and is like a boat, sailing out in the big vast ocean... facing many trials, the sea, the wind, the weather before I could reach my destination.

Often, the journey to the destination is not that smooth, when heavy rains and hurricane hit the sea, the boat goes rocking following the wind and waves slowing the whole journey.

During bad weather, the sea turned into an ugly scary dark looking monster, looking as if it want to swallow me into the deep sea.

When the waves were so strong and huge, nearly throwing me off the boat... until I feel so tired to hold on...

Then, there are some beautiful spot in the middle of the sea, where I stop to watch the beautiful creation of God, admiring His work, and therefore, slowing the whole journey once again.

***************
So many things happened....

So much tears....

So much heart pain.....

So much bitterness.....

So much failure.....

So much disappointment....

Left me feeling alone & tired....

Left me feeling discourage and condemn....

At certain times, I felt as if I am sailing without a direction, lost in the ocean...

Well, of course there are times when the sea is calm and the sun is shinning....

There are times of laughter....

There are still some times of joy and achievement as well....

A time of love.....

A time of blessing....

I learned & still learning.... I've grown and still growing....

What I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Girl you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Thats my source of strength when I feel defeated, cause I know He is my victory...

When I feel no one understands me, He send people to me .....

When I felt hopeless, He gave me hope....

two ends...

2008-10-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

Exam was over last Friday and it went smooth... really thank God for it... next to be done is the load of assignments and thesis that due soon....

************************

Yesterday... two things happened... both on one end of good news and bad news.
Went to get the car to go Mid Valley..... guess wat?? Was greeted by the view of shattered glass on the ground and immediately felt something surely happen to the car.... true enough... the side window beside the driver seat was smashed and ........

------> smart tag wif Touch N Go card stole
------> coins in the coins compartment gone

Worst still, need to pay up additional RM. 120 to clean up the mess and replacing the window....

****************************

Went to MV & on the way back, stopped by @ mag booth & bought Nov edition of CLEO... With heart pumping....I was wondering whats the results gonna be..in or out??? Keep telling myself as I flipped through the pages.... " aiya, sure no one la..."

Finally the page came to view, it all happen so fast, all at the same time...spotted myself in one of the finalist and my friend beside me being so happy and laughing and being so excited and hugging me...

With months of anticipation and "agonizing" moments of waiting..... my respond only was

" Eh, I in wo......" when I spotted my pic in it...

Happy of cause happy, but I guess it haven't really sink in yet....

Thanks to all for your encouragement when I was hesitating to go or not to go for the photo shooting in Sept....

What is wrong wif me??!!!

2008-10-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with me????

Slept literally whole day today... from yesterday 3 am till today 6 plus pm.... didn't wake up for breakfast nor lunch... jus sleeeppp and sleepppp and sleeepppp....

Emotions going on roller coaster...ups and downs jus in few hours...

Having a test tomorrow... worth 10 %... another exam on Fri...worth 20%...

Time passes so fast... mid of sem already.. looking at the work load... the time that I had wasted... started to feel stress liao... And with the circumstances around.... I need You Lord....

" I can do all things through Him who gives me strength"

So many things...

2008-10-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

Jus a brief update.... wat I did last Fri??

Had a really long day last Friday.. was @ uni from morning till late evening.. already very tired when enter Forensic class... but was greeted with surprise ... the beginning of class itself already have 6 quizzes....drained! Was feeling sooo tired and heavy towards the ending of class..wanted to leave at 5 but afraid that will have another quiz towards the end of class..

So tired and sleepy and was having slight headache when arrive at Glad Tiding Pj... was considering about not going.... but.......................

I was there.... I was jumping & dancing like "crazy" with my 3 inches heels... legs paining but don't care...still jump... never thought I will ever jump like tat again @ my age now... but :)

****************************************************

Back to Ipoh again on Sunday..jus came back today..another long day... reached KL and went class straight... got the news that the owner of this condo (Bukit Jalil) want back the unit and have to shift out by end of the year....only 2 months left...where should I go now?

Felt emo went enter the hse jus now..as I sit there on the sofa, looking around the hse.. feel missing it already...this hse.. lots memories....bitter and sweet memories... bye bye home...

The winner takes it all (Abba)

2008-10-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

This is the song mentioned earlier....

THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL

I dont wanna talk
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history
Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Featuring....the little cousins...

2008-10-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

Haseena - not little gal...a big gal.. Similarities: love yellow color, play "geli-geli" & had this habit when much younger, sticking our fingers into our nose hole when we want to sleep.

Simran aka Mimi gal, Simmy, Nui Nui - a very adorable, talkative, intelligent 2 years old girl.

Yo...wat's up!

Watcha u looking at?

Why???

Eee..wats tat u place on my head? clean or not?

The story of MiMi Gal
______________________________

Mimi gal really amaze me with her non stop talking, her funny stunts and actions. She has a good memory and catch up words and learn very fast.. Imagine a 2 year old kid saying, " what the heck is that mummy? (note: careful of the language we use in front of children)..everyone that comes to the house will be greeted by her cheerful smile and wish "hiiii".. She loves to answer the phone and her two favorites line will be
"hello, yes"
"hello, 'meh si?"
Also a very vain child...I was putting on some face moisturizer and there she comes..."akka, akka, Simmy want..put face.." And she will be sitting there ready with eyes close..

She love watches and ring..saw my ring and wanted to wear it...I was worry that she will lost it but cant say no when she is so cute...."akka, pls la...let simmy wear la...pls..give me la...please akka"

The next day, she got her very own ring from Lazo Diamond & she manage to choose one that is similar to mine (again, I am amazed by her memory). I was sleeping when she come in the morning,,,the first thing that she do when she woke me up was...show me her finger with ring and said "akka, shinning...same"..and place her hand beside mine and said "2 rings"

Took her out in the afternoon to get something and she complain" akka, hot la, tired d..go home Simmi 'gau gau ci'"
*********************

Nat, Yew Chun - Only 7 months old... youngest among us now..

Mimi gal pretending to be asleep..so obvious :D

Day trip on Raya

2008-10-06T05:53:00.000-07:00

Main attraction of the garden @ dad's work place (to me la)

Look closely and u will discover the thousands of frog eggs

Jus a small portion of the mini "lake"

Kuala Woh - a very special water fall, the water is cold but at certain part, there will be hot water coming out from the sand and flows by the rock & ppl "boil" eggs there.

Dad & mum

Cameron Highland - Boh Tea Garden & oth places

Sis & me

Emily - my oth sis

My nursery ;)

Back to Ipoh...

2008-10-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

HELLO...I AM BACK!

After church on the 27 last month, went bac to Ipoh & jus came bac today. It was a long holiday..10 days..seems like a long time but time and days passes so fast..Went back with my lap top and notes with the intention of starting my assignments (due end of this month) but as usual, wen go back home during the weekends or holidays.. the end results is always the same ------> "0" I think I am in holiday mood..can't get my brain to work..hehe...thats just excuse...lazy mode sounds more like it :)

On Raya day, join church outing to Dad's workplace garden, Kuala Woh with my family and from there we head to Cameron..It was years since I last visited Kuala Woh..a lot of memories flashed back in my mind in that special place..In Cameron, nothing much..we just drove there to enjoy the cold breeze and scenery at Boh tea plantation while enjoying a cup of hot tea and savoring a piece of lemon butter cake and chocolate cake (taste more like mud though). Actually bought 4 boxes of big red strawberries to bring to KL to make strawberry ice cream yogurt...but too left it in Ipoh...mum called and when I was on the way to bus station this morning, she was so happy and sounded so cheeky when she proudly and happily announce to me that the strawberries will be theirs now (mum, dad, sis and the kids)..

After Cameron, we went to Kei Ma's hse (mum's sis) for Raya...hehe...what else...all the rendang, nasi himpit, cookies were attacked.......by....ME!

Most of the time, I was at home and Tesco (newly open, walking distance from my hse).. At home my activities will be.....
1. sleeppppp
2. eattt
3.sleeepppp
4.read Archies comic and watch DVD

5. Disturb and crazy and play with my little cousin sis & bro...

6.sleeppppppppppppp

:) sounds relaxing ??

Went to watch Mamamia & shopping (hehe, bought 2 new shoes) with Dad, sis & Emily on Fri.. Really love the movie..its nice...fallen in love with one of the song...being a emo gal, the song really stir up my emotions and make my eyes watery...don't know the title but I think its by ABBA...part of the song.."the winner takes it all.....the loser standing small....

Reflection & Insight...

2008-09-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Watched "Click" during cell jus now..not my first time though but somehow it portray a different meaning to me this time. As I watched how the guy click away parts of his life that is unpleasant until he miss out so many from his life.... It all just concluded one thing...

Life is like a puzzle..every pieces of the puzzle when place together, make the whole picture of life complete..losing a piece of it means the picture is now incomplete.

Every piece of puzzle carries different meaning, different circumstances in life (up or down) and different experiences in life (pleasant or unpleasant), when place together, it make life complete.

Every single circumstances, every single situation and every single experience that we face in this journey of our life...makes us a better person, makes us stronger, makes us appreciate things and people around us more...In other word, it is all necessary to help us grow as a person.

Situation may seems difficult and almost impossible to face or deal with when we are in it...but when it is all over, when we turn back and look at it, we will smile and thankful for the difficult times for it teaches us new values, new skills, give us new strength and make us a better and tougher person...all this is part and parcel of life...

A journey of molding...just like a clay being molded into a flower vessel ...but before that, it need to go through the fire furnace and endure high degree of burning, only then it will turn into a beautiful vessel. Just like us, the process of molding, the process of refining through burning, no doubt is a painful and difficult process....but the outcome of it..... when we endure it.... we will be refine, beautified and strong...

Therefore....no situation or parts of our life should be "click" or fast forward... endure the pain and appreciate every lessons in life...Like a video game, once we pass the current stage trials, we move on to the next level and faces new challenges there and move on until the game is completed.

You deserve the glory...

2008-09-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

During the morning worship on Sunday morning in JW Marriott, was so blessed and move by this worship song. This song, though the lyrics are so simple and straight forward, I find it powerful and meaningful...Just wanna share it here.

You deserve the glory
And the honour
Lord, we lift our hands in worship
As we lift Your Holy name

For you are great
You do miracles so great
There is no one else like You
There is no one else like You...

OM Partnership Event...

2008-09-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

The last weekend left an impact in my life and heart...no doubt it was a tiring time..but it's really worth it. Besides witnessing how God provide, this event stir my heart and impacted and touch me as well. We targeted about RM1 million to be collected in this weekend..but God plan was far greater than what we expected. We managed to raise RM.10.7 million just in the weekend. Praise God for His work and blessing! And also I am touch to see how generous and giving Dato Francis Yeoh was to us, besides sponsoring our stay and meals there, he donated a huge amount to us, for ship to operate.

This event is actually a fund raising program for the ship Logos hope that is currently in Kobe, Germany..waiting for the work of renovation to be completed before it can sail. (check out more info about the ship and its ministry @ www.omships.org)

************

I really want to give credits to the hotel staff..their are so efficient, efficient & wonderful! I really felt so pampered throughout my stay there and not to mention the wonderful sauna, steam bath & hot tub jacuzzi in the spa room.

Being there, working together with the gold team ( all that have been or currently still with the ship ministry) makes me feel as if I am back in Doulos, working. We do not know each other before but it only took us a while, really short time to bind and to relate to each other as if we have known each other for long time. Its all because we feel that we are all part of the family..

As we were checking the grand ballroom before the gala dinner, the sound crew was checking the sound system and they run the Doulos History maker movie clip..As I hear the familiar sound, I stop in track and cant help watching it as I feel the wave of emotions sweep over me..My eyes became teary as I stood there and watch the familiar people, parts of the ship..the place that is close to my heart and the place I call home.. I thought it was only me being emo..but I realize those that been on Doulos and now finished their commitment on Doulos, felt the same way as I do..

During the worship time in the morning, even though it was simple, I felt blessed and again my eyes grew teary..It was wonderful! I really miss Doulos worship. We had Sunday service in the hotel and holy communion.

I realize I enjoy meeting with ppl and communicating, doing PR job and sharing with them my life and experiences on Doulos. Again, it was so similar with the time I was on board, working in book exhibition..meeting thousands of people a day in most port..

Sunday..everything was over. Feeling a little emo leaving the place and saying farewell to the team...Went to Piramid for fellowship with ex Douloid's fren. We had a good time of chatting..and again..most of our conversation were related to the ship..a bind that no one will understand unless they been there. A conversation that others might not be able to relate to unless they was there before...DOULOS.... and all of you wonderful people that I met on board..you all will always remain close to my heart!

My comfy bed

What am I trying to do :D

I love the bathroom soooo much...

Worship time

Holy Communion

F&B Manager, that lead an amazing team

Event stage

The Gold Team members

What are we doing???

Joann & Austin - George assistant

Finally I can rest my feet after hours on heels

Billy & Helan Tan - awesome couple

Aus, Joe, Veron, David

George Verwer (OM founder), Juwita & me
p/s : he may look old here, but you should have seen him dancing all out on stage with Juwita during the gala dinner. All of us were stunt and had a good laugh!

A great man- pastor from SIB KK

Lissane, Ming Hua, Joe, D way & David @ Piramid

View from my room

"cabin mate" Grace, Huey & Joe

Can I not leave this place...

**************

Preview of few of the many food that we had :)

My time in Marriott...

2008-09-17T11:34:00.002-07:00

As I stepped into the hotel..immediately I was pampered by ppl opening the car door and carrying my luggage into my room after I got my room card..the room is good and from the big panel window, I can see pavilion and KLCC view..

Went down for briefing immediately after I scan the room. Met with my few ship fren...had wonderful meal ...feast meant for king....

It is really wonderful to work together with people that are and were part of the ship family...being with them, talking about the ship makes me feel home. It makes me miss DOULOS and my life there and the people there so much... As we talked and chat...Especially when we hit the table and sing the DOULOS style of bday song....I feel as if I am back to the ship...working together once again.. The image of the ship...where my home used to be...was so vivid in my mind..feel like running to it...touching it again...and walking along the main street....down to cabin 211 where I used to stay..working in book ex..meeting thousands of people a day..walking and exploring the new countries...DOULOS..indeed was a place where I learn a lot, grow, cry, laugh, got my first sea sick encounter, traveling, meeting so many people from all over the world...all with one vision...one heart...one purpose and moving in one direction....in bringing knowlege, help and hope to the world...

Those out there....if you have the chance...don't miss it..go experience it for yourself and you definitely won't regret it! It's worth every single moment and sweat and hard work there!

The Beautiful Doulos

My last voyage.. Japan To Korea

Farewell my home..

BOILING REACHED 120C....

2008-09-17T11:34:00.001-07:00

Gosh this guy....really need a kick or a slap on the mouth from me! tat's what I wanted to do so badly jus now...talk big and talk a lot but do nothing...God pls help me here.

Wanted to talk and settle bout the things that he said to me yesterday...meeting suppose to be at 2 but waited and waited for him till 2.30...then wen i wanted to address the issue and to be frank wif him that i "um song" his mail...

his respond was ------> "I dont want to talk bout it.. I also very "um song" i dun wan talk, just assume nothing happen."

I was like..what the.... so I told him...we need to talk and settle and clear things in order to continue working together. cannot just assume nothing happen after all the words and things that you said to me and bout me.

His respond...making me angrier...."then its your problem la if you cannot assume nothing happen. your prob for not being able to control yourself not my problem... "( can i slap his mouth & chop of his tongue??!!)

And i told him..eh look here, of cos u easy can say assume nothing happen cos you are the one that say ppl not the one that hearing ppl talk bout you...and you need to be responsible wif your words and not jus simple say wat ever u like and then assume nothing happen...

From beginning he dun wan to listen and cut in half way wen oth ppl talking... only want talk but not listening..talking crap...

He complain that selling 150 units is too much and impossible (not yet even start, complain liao).. and say this is only a project...no need to be so serious about it bla bla bla...

So i told him since he complain so much now, then fine...the group jus sell 100 unit..additional 50 unit i sell personally and i take the profit la. Jus to settle this issue and carry on with the work...

His respond was...." you think you do like tat very "wai tai" ah" .. i wont stop you if you want do lik tat...

Argh...can I really punch, kick,slap and chop him?? who he think he is man...not even doing anything and not even the group leader ( i am the leader)...talking lik tat to me...wen all things i am the one that plan, find, buy & prepare...all that is left to do now is only sell....

I really feel not nice working with him..so difficult working with these type of ppl that only accept to pass and not score and only want to simply get it over with....

Few options that I am considering:
1. Give him one more chance...next meeting, once everything is agreed on, NO MORE COMPLAINS, TALK MUCH, GIVING MANY DIFFERENT OPINIONS AND END UP NOTHING CAN BE DONE....If not, give him the option to comply to the group or to leave the group.

2.Continue like this, bring this issue up to lecturer...

3.Leave the group & sell on my own. Let them plan their own sales and ideas..

What do you all think is the best option or any other suggestion or guide??

Really spoil my mood the whole afternoon n evening...was feeling so not nice and feel like bursting and kicking him out from the group.

BLOOD BOILING HOT!

2008-09-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

Feeling so frustrated and angry and irritated now! I realize I really need to work on conflict resolution especially when working in team. I realize when things happen, my first respond is really feeling angry and "um song" instead of calmly looking at the matter and settle it. Maybe my mood is not so good today, that's why easily get angry.

It's my group project problem. For business project, we (group of 4) are selling chocolate gift packages. In the beginning, it was decided to sell choco cos I was at Langkawi few weeks back and I could get chocolate back there at a lower cost. I was thinking of the packaging and manage to get nice package at a very good bargain from wholesale.

My first mistake: went to buy and look for it by myself. (It was a hard work, walking around petaling street in the afternoon, when the sun is at the peak, going into one shop to another to get the packaging and in getting the best bargain at lowest cost). I thought that do not need to be so "ma fan" and required all member to be present to buy since I am near there (came back from Ipoh) for they are quite busy with other things.

Second mistake: I thought since all the choco is at my house, and it is really heavy and a lot to carry it around (enough to have to carry from Langkawi back here, from air port to KL Sentral and back home) & since it is difficult to gather everyone to be present and pack the choco at my house, I volunteer to do it by my self since it's more convenient and I do not mind doing it.

Therefore, all that is required and left to be done by the group is get the poster printed and sticking it around Uni and then set booth and sell together and then work on the report together.
A small problem arise today when I called the dealer for the gift packaging for the remainder 50 unit that I have requested. I was informed that the stock has not arrived and it might only reach by early next month.

I can easily go over the shops to get it or find another substitute for the 50 but I thought it will be better this time to go as a group to get it so that everyone will have contribution and it will also be easier to decide on the substitute if the one that we wanted really not available. So, i mail every member regarding this and asked to go together to settle this matter.

Guess what respond that I get from one of the member?

"Need not to get the remaining 50 gift package since its troublesome and its only a project, just do it simple" (talking about troublesome...did I ever complain when I buy all those stocks and look around for the best deal and pack everything? Now just thought that the whole group can go once to get it, he complain its troublesome???)

"Accuse of not clear of the what choco that I but and bout the price" (As if I am cheating when in class last week, I did explain the cost and show the calculation to the group - not my problem when he is the one that was absent from class and not clear about that matter)

And other things that he mention la...not in the mood to write and elaborate so long about it.
I am so angry and feels so "um song" when I read his mail...

I really need to calm down....not to let anger over power me... I am learning and trying to calm down..put all my "um songness" aside and to understand him from his point of view and from his thinking so that there will be no hard feelings and we can continue to work as a team.

2mrw..going to have a group meeting before the sales...I really want a smooth and calm meeting 2mrw as this issue be address.

Breath in..... breath out....breath in..... breath out..... (repeat)

Another thing done....

2008-09-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

Weeks of anxiety and nervousness...finally over yesterday. Reached the studio few minutes before my scheduled time..So good to be on time :) As I entered into the photo shooting studio..it was totally different from my previous experiences...it was like what we watch in movie..white walls, mirror one one side with make up artist and one hair stylist...all those equipments for photo taking, clothing hanging on one side, lighting...back ground music.those music that is usually play when models walk out to the runway...

I was feeling so nervous...I hardly have time to settle down..as I entered, I was ushered to the make up artist to have my face painted and then had my hair done by the hair stylist...

Make up aunty: Can I trim your eye brow? U Malay?
Joann: No prob..nope.
Make up aunty: Mix?
Joann: Yes
Make up aunty: Oh, mix with what?
Joann: Chinese, English, Indian
Make up aunty: Then you can speak Chinese la
Joann: Nod ( aiyo..how many times do I have to go through this every time I meet people)
Make up aunty: (while painting my face with foundation) You got very beautiful features.
Joann: (smile....hehe....blush...)

The waiting time make me feeling more nervous... As I watched the first girl being photo shoot... gosh..I feel more nervous and stress..It seems to be so difficult...the photographer do not really teach us...but expect us to know how to pose and to pose our own style...STRESS!!! SWEAT! Dah la the air con so cold...SHIVER..

My turn next....gosh...I stand in front of the camera with the big panel yellow light on my face..I was like...er what to do ah...."

Cam man: Joann, R U ready??
Joann: (Stood there kaku and look @ the cam) Yes
Cam man: (Looked at me from behind the cam) Huh, you ready d ah like tis? Come on, do better than that.
Joann: Er, ok...(shifting leg and body posture)
Cam man: Smile more, come on show me your teeth. Dun smile so forceful..smile smile...
Joann: (Trying so hard to smile with teeth - I hate that)
Cam man: (Walk towards me) Ok, see, you have to smile, and show you are confident, to make the picture more appealing. I will do my best but you need to work hard as well. You have come this far, don't waste this chance, ok?
Joann: (nod, nod) ok

***************
Cam man: Much better d, much better! That's a good shot..more...
Try a giggle shot...come on...like this, be more "gigglish", shoulder up...
Joann: (huh..how to do that???) blur..
Cam man: Ok, I will use the blower to blow your hair from here so that your jaw line will be more enhance and visible...
Make up aunty: (touch up makeup)
"aunty" 2: (adjust the necklace & my top & pin behind to make it more fitting)
Cam man: Ok, look at your picture on the comp screen, you are doing much better already, the last few shots already good...ready?

******************
(Change cloths)

Cam man: (stand beside me) You got a pretty face and nice smile, your photo already good but can be more... move your body forward, play with body language, show more of your neck. (demo)
Joann: (Move, pose, smile)
Cam man: Ok, you are done...

***************
After I have warm up, I actually enjoying every moment of it...It is fun :)

All that is left now is to wait for result.....

One thing done...

2008-09-12T07:32:00.001-07:00

The event finally over..weeks of planning and hours of practices just end in less than 2 hours. Things were a little delay...missed today's quiz..Thanks to all for making this event work and success..thanks for your time and afford. I actually cried in the drama...but so sad....from a far my tears were not that visible..aiya..should have cry more and more dramatic..haha...

One thing finally over with, photo shooting on Sun is next, Uni projects and assignments.....more & more....And OM dinner on coming Thurs till Sun....

Didn't manage to take many pictures jus now...

Dance mime

So nervous....

2008-09-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

In church right now... we having our practice for tomorrow out reach event.. I am in the drama mime, playing the role of a girl that constantly facing rejection and hurt in her life, and finally feel so defeated with all the circumstances around her and attempted suicide when her boy friend, the only friend and love that she has in her life, left her for another girl... but just as she wanted to take those pills...she remember..there is hope...there is more than this in life...there is a friend that is ever faithful and loving... and there is where she broke down and cry...and music (the song pray-from my previous post) plays in the background...the girl will then kneel down and cry and cry as the music continues to play....

and dance mime...A dance mime with the song "No Scarifies"

What's make me nervous is I am playing drum for one of the opening worship song..Gosh..I am really so nervous, such a long time since I ever play..my right hand muscles feel weird right now after the few practices...I am so nervous...so "karat" after such a long time...I want to play well tomorrow...I want to be good and perfect!

Everything is so rush... tomorrow is already the event... I need to be here earlier to set up and final practice...and rush off to class after that.. I have class from 3 to 6pm and the event will only start at 1.30pm..hope everything will be on time.

This is really a crazy and busy week for me... with the business proposal for my business class and starting to sell those chocolates and promotions...

Beautiful song

2008-09-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

I was going through my friend's blog & came across this beautiful song..this song really reflects my post earlier..

祷告

Pray

因为我渺小

For I am minute

祷告

Pray

因为我知道我需要

For I know I need To know

明瞭

Understanding

你心意对我重要

That Your desire matters more to me

祷告

Pray

已假装不了

I can't pretend no more

祷告

Pray

因为你的爱我需要

For it is Your love that I need

你关怀

Your care

我走过的你都明白

Every path I've been, You've been there before

有些事我只想要对你说

Some things I can only tell you

因你比任何人都爱我

For you love me more than anyone else

痛苦从眼中流下

Tears of pain flow from my eyes

我知道你为我擦

I know You will wipe them for me

在早晨我也要来对你说

In the morning I will want to tell You

主耶稣今天我为你活

Lord Jesus, I will live for you today

所需要的力量你天天赐给我

The strength that I need, You grant me daily

你恩典够我用

Your grace is more than enough for me

**Thanks Nana for sending me the song & for helping me out..hugs..mmuacks!**

Love...forgiveness....

2008-09-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

Just finished YA cell group, we watched the documentary on Jim Elliot life as a missionary.. The group of 5 missionaries went into the Amazon jungle in search for Waodani, a very fierce tribe of warriors. All were killed by the tribe leaving behind their children and wives.

If we are one of the child or the wive, knowing that these people killed your husband or father, what would our respond be towards this tribe?

hatred, anger, bitterness??
revenge & wish them dead?
curse them and pray the worst for them?
love & forgive them?
bless & help them?

The wives and children actually went back to the tribe in the jungle, staying with them and provide them medication and vaccination, in other word, caring and loving them.

The ending of the documentary, when the son hear the confession of the father's killer, yes, he is hurt, sad, angry and many other emotions..imagine loosing your father at young age, missing those love and moments that you should have with your father, simply because someone else took his life merciless and now...the murderer is right there in front of you, offering his life in return..which is easier? to take up the spear and kill the man or to tell the man, i forgive you??

Tears flows down my face when the son told the father's killer, "You did not kill my father, but he choose to give his life for your people."

If it's not for the love of God, the grace & mercy of God, the strength of God...it is almost impossible and inhuman to be able to forgive the person that has taken away our love one and cause us such misery and pain.. it is almost impossible to sacrifices our comfort in our lovely home to live in jungle that do not have all the necessities just to help the tribe that has killed your love one...

It is all because of LOVE....and we can LOVE because GOD FIRST LOVE US...

It really touch my heart when I watch this movie... and it really moves me...it's not easy to forgive those that cause pain and hurt to us..but it's not impossible... it makes me realize that it is a decision that we make...whether we want to forgive or to hold it against the people that cause us misery...

Forgiveness, reflects genuine love that will change the other person and set our own heart free, giving us freedom and joy...

Unforgiveness, will only birth to bitterness, hatred, anger, hurt...slavery and bondage of a heart of misery & pain...

Langkawi trip...

2008-09-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

Back to work..studies…reality & life! How I wish the holiday will not end...it was relaxing and fun even though it rains everyday. The first thing that I did as I enter my room was CHECK OUT THE BATHROOM..and it was wonderful! I really enjoy my shower in the so much :)

I arrived there Tues afternoon... we rented a car but spend the day resting and surveying the town as it was raining..On wed, it rain in the morning but stop in the afternoon..thank God for the good weather! We went to the cable car..the view and surrounding was really BREATH TAKING! It was so BEAUTIFUL! After that, we went to the beach near Berjaya Resort and again… only one word to describe it… BEAUTIFUL!

Langkawi cable car

Berjaya Resort pool

I wanna reach the sky...

Beautiful sun ray...

The next day we went Island Hopping... the trip by the speed boat was FUN and TRILLING. As it just rain, the sea was quite choppy...so it was like sitting on a roller coaster in the middle of the sea..we bounce up and down as the giant waves hit out tiny boat..I find myself enjoying the trill as compared to boring "normal" ride :)

The next stop was Singa Besar Island where we "feed the eagle" and we travel to Pregnant Maiden Lake. At the end of the trip...I was really exhausted but it’s worth it. Went back to the hotel and spend bout an hour in sauna and steam bath before shower and dinner.

Singa Besar Island ( Eagle feeding)

Pregnant Maiden Lake

This stairs...are "killer" when you feel tired

Overall.....I love the islands and the beautiful beaches and mountains..

********************

Received a call in the afternoon while I was at One stop duty free chocolate shop.... I was informed that I was short listed as one of the finalist. My photo shooting session will be on 14 Sept..coming Sunday.. having mix emotions. Of course I am happy, excited but the same time I feel nervous and having second thoughts. As I checked the mail for details... the more nervous I feel... it's only 9 days from today....hope I feel more confident as the days approaches..

Alone again,,,,

2008-09-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

As I entered into my house this evening, I was greeted by an empty house and silence... feeling of loneliness creeps into my heart making me feels emotional. My family drove back to Ipoh after IKEA and dropping by @ a relative house at Damansara Utama. I miss them already...the house was so lively and noisy as they arrived on Saturday. While the rest are still walking around IKEA, San & myself walked over to BORDERS @ The Curve. Both of us are known as the "book freak" at home.. we will always have a book or Archie comic with us no matter where we go & we read everywhere and most of the time. I realized that I am really "obsess" with stationaries especially nice journal books.. I bought many and it's unused till now. Last month I bought 1 from MPH and today I got another 2. Wondering how many journals do I need :D

As I was strolling around at the stationary section, I really enjoy watching children interacting with each other and with their parents. Two cute little Chinese girls really attracts my attention. Both sisters relationship are so close and loving.

Girl A: O, my finger is bleeding

Girl B: (Very quickly place down the note book that she was holding & look @ Girl B) See, See, show me!(Reach for Girl A hand) Where did you injured it?

Girl A: (Pull her hand away) I dunno, I think in church just now.. (walks towards daddy) .... Daddy, daddy, see my hand..it's bleeding...

Daddy: (Hold the child hand and look closely) Later go home we wash it and apply disinfection ok..

It's really so cool looking and observing children and families together. I realize that it is mostly dad that are there, looking after the children while the mums go shopping.

***************************

We went to watch a really silly nonsense movie (Don't mess with Zohan) at Times Square yesterday night. It was really "tension" for me to lead the way there as I am not that familiar with the directions..Well, miss some turning..got experience of being lost...we can see times square from the distance just that we couldn't go to it..Had a good laugh in the car.

Dad was clown of the day yesterday...we can't help laughing whenever we remember bout it. Here is playback of the scenario...

Location: Hall (Dad and San -"youngest sister")
Both were watching TV and the channel was not clear & he tried to "adjust the antenna" to make the channel clear.

Papa: (Moving the antenna left and right) San, any better?
San: (Look up unto the TV) Hmm, still the same
Papa: (Adjusting the antenna again) Now??
San: Nope
**This went on for a couple of minutes**
Want to know what my dad been trying so hard adjusting??

*********
*************
THE WIRELESS ROUTER

We had a good laugh after that...It is really funny... no wonder we called him "Malaysia Mr. Bean" :P

That reminds me those years, when I was still schooling, I placed my school shoes on my dad's car to dry. Without realizing it, he drove the car out buying lunch for us with the shoes still on the roof of the car... lol....

Results out....

2008-08-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

Early in the morning..before I was even fully awake...my mind was thinking about my results...half asleep but I was already worry bout my result..I was praying.."God, please..please..please...let me pass..just a pass..a D will do. Please don't let me fail." I was really worry, I worry that I could hardly pass the paper....Woke up & checked my results online...my heart was leaping out of my chest...Was feeling so nervous...my heart flipped and dance inside me when I saw my results..."YEAH YEAH!! I PASS AND NOT ONLY PASS, IT IS BETTER THAN THAT!!!" Feel so happy :) Thank you God, Praise You!

Yesterday...when for photo shooting. It was a bit tiring but kinda fun :)

Another day of my life....

2008-08-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

Nothing much today...did what I usually did on Thurs..class & cell group @ nite. Today cell was special as we decided last minute to celebrate birthday for a special friend of ours..We changed our program 45 minutes before our cell starts and plan a surprise birthday party on the spot. Watched August Rush...really touching, awesome and amazing musical movie. Our wish for our special friend is.....

"Calvin @ Siu Keong,
We wish you happy always and all the best in your life. Wish you success and joyful always."

Birthday boy making a wish.....

One family.....

Clarence...model "yeng chai" wannabe :D

CLoudy day....

2008-08-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

My mood seems to match today's weather..Feeling groggy when I woke up and as it started to rain and rain and rain....and when the sun began to hide behinds those big dark heavy clouds....thats when my mood turn cloudy and down. Few my friends whom I talked to seem to be in a groggy and low energy mood as well....is this how SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) patient feels?? They will feel down and "depress" when there is no sun, especially during winter... I wonder...how would sun or brightness affects one emotion...

emotions <-----> pituitary gland (secretion of hormone) - influence mood/emotion (serotonin)
emotions <-----> brightness (light/sun)

so, what's the connection between ...

brightness (light/sun) <----> pituitary gland (secretion of hormone) - influence mood/emotion
(serotonin)

God's provision..

2008-08-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

Once again, I experienced provision from our faithful provider....was troubled by this semester fees on Sunday..had some issue and complication and express to God, trusting that He will never fail to provide me and that He will make a way for me..Within minutes, my prayer was answered. A brother offered his help and everything is settled now..I didn't even need to ask and I just receive the offer from him..This is one of the many times I experience His faithfulness in providing me. Thank you Father, thank you brother... I will appreciate it and will do my very best in my last few papers as my promise and commitment to you both. I will be more focus and not allowing myself to be distracted. That is my promise to you....

Things getting back to normal...

2008-08-26T03:35:00.000-07:00

I was feeling better yesterday though in the morning, before I could do anything, and right after I open my eyes...I greeted the morning with tears again. The whole day, I was lying down on the sofa watching dvd and feeling tired as if all energy has been zapped out from my body...thats what emotional pain and distress can do to our physical body. I was suppose to prepare for my exam today but for the whole 10 hours plus, I couldn't get myself to do anything else. But I did not cry anymore and actually felt better, lots better and emotionally more stable. Thank you so much my dearest brother,sisters and friends for your support and for being there. Thank you for being such a wonderful gift to me. Hugs! Love you guys.

Finally, my mood did improve and I felt much much better. I began to prepare for my exam and studying my notes. Thanks Rachel and Nana for your wish in MSN yesterday night. I told myself to focus on what I need to focus and my responsibilities as a student. I do not want to let other things distract me any more and I really want to do well in today's paper cause I believe I can do it if only I pay a little attention and put heart to it.

Just finished the exam. It was quite easy and straight forward. Looking forward for the next test in 2 or 3 more weeks time..I want to do better and my very best.

WHY???

2008-08-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

So broken....so hurt...so painful...I just can't stop crying. When I heard that news, my heart was so heavy and broken. I dunno how to describe the feelings that I feel at that moment...pain, hurt, anger, bitter, hate! I was speechless, no words come out from my mouth, I dunno what to say or how to form words to describe how I feel. I can only cry n cry n cry...and yet no words I can use to describe the pain in heart that I am feeling. My heart feel so heavy, I feel difficult to breath. I feel I want to explode. Why do you have to do this to me?? I dun want to hate you but I really feel so bitter towards you now. I "hate" you for all these pain, for all these pressure and condemnation that you make me feel. You said that your intention is well and cause you love me but is this love? You never consider my feelings and never take my words and expression and yet conclude things based on wht you want to believe and mind set. I just cant take this anymore. The more you try to "help" the more you damage me. You are not helping. Please leave me alone. I dont need all these pain...You only do what you think like doing but you never consider my feelings and well being or is this the right way? All that you do so far, is not help but a emotional torture to me. I really feel like giving up..even right now as I am typing this, tears of pain and hurt would not stop flowing. So much pain. So broken. I am tired of you looking down on me, judging me. Who never do wrong before? As you 100% those that you so look high upon, is 100% righteous? Or you are just too blinded with your personal view? I really feel want to give up as I cry and cry...I feel this pain is to much to bear...I feel like leaving...enough is enough! Till when do you want to bring misery and pain to my life? Please let me go and don't disturb me anymore. I still have a little respect for you but please don't make me hate you, really hate you.

Lord, please help me...I am falling apart...I will still hold on to the very end of the string that I am holding on right now. I donno how long more can I stand.

I will never let you go,
You've taken me from the miry clay,
Set my feet upon the rock and now I know,
I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go...
My Saviour, My closest friend,
I will worship You until the very end.....

30 Hour Famine

2008-08-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Heavy downpour but still high in spirit.

I've made it...my breakfast meal

Let's make a difference together

Cold and wet & yet still pressing on

200 balloons release as a symbol of HOPE

"We pledge to willingly and passionately participate in the Famine to help children living in poverty. We are fasting to ensure that no child has to grow up without the basic rights that he or she is entitled to. We are fasting because nothing will change if we do not take action together."

I made it again this year..it was a little of struggle with the temptation of good food @ El Sanctuary and this morning as I wake up, my body really feeling so low in energy and my hands were shaking. I was tempted to give up or to take some glucose drink...but I told myself to hang on..I have come this far for me to give up..I press on...to finish this race that I choose to race. A race to make a difference to the world..to the children out there.

As I stepped into the Hockey stadium @ Bukit Jalil this afternoon for final 4 hours countdown...all tiredness and feeling of hunger and weakness left me...I felt excited as I hear the voices of the few hundred campers cheering. It really touches my heart...and I felt emotional as I watch the crowd..all that willing to spend their time and going without food for 3o hours...its not easy but many turn up and be part of this group. Even when it started to rain, the crowd still in the best mood and attitude and remain under the rain despise not eating for the past 26 hours.

As I looked around the stadium, watching the crowd...I felt thankful for each and every of them..for playing a role in making a difference and care about those who are suffering.

Many times we complain too much, I am guilty of it myself. "Eee, this food not nice", "I don't like to eat this", "This food so small portion"....Have we ever be thankful that we have something to eat at least? Many times we also tend to complain, "so hot, no air con", "this mattress not nice to sleep", "this room so small"..... When we complain, are we aware that at the same time, when we have so much and yet still complaining, there are people at the other part of the world, suffering from cold and wet from the rain cause they have no proper shelter. As it rain and rain during the 4 hours, I was feeling cold and I wonder, is this how the children feels most of the day..cold and hungry or hot and hungry under burning sun. I don't know which is better, to feel hungry, cold and wet or feeling hungry and hot. I only have to face it for 4 hours and I can have a nice long hot shower after that...but those children and families.....what to they have?? what can they do??

Most of the people in countries like Laos, Cambodia,Africa, India and Myanmar, if they are lucky enough, they will have a "house", i hardly could consider it as a house for it is only as big as a queen size bed, with leaking "roof". The whole family lives in this small "house" and they sleep on the floor and obviously they do not have electricity or water tap. I have heard and seen many pictures of this but I saw it with my own eyes when I was at Cambodia feel months back.

The little thing that we can do is a huge difference to them. RM30 can feed a family there for a month. Imagine that..it only cost us one new outfit or one nice meal at Sushi King or Chilies and yet it mean a lot to them. This is how poor their conditions are. Children have to work and carry water everyday to earn for the family. At the same time, they are tired and feeling weak because they do not have a proper meal or maybe even without meal.

Imagine as we are in our comfortable home right now, a child out there is dying of hunger by the street or shivering in the cold as she or he trying to sleep by the road side..

"We cannot hope to change the world in one day, but we can make a difference in the little that we do"

Tomorrow
Lyrics: Goh Yii Jian, Francissa & Bibiana Peter
Music: Yise
Producer: Abraham Tee & Billy Ong@Mobimusic
Arrangement: Ian Tee

小小的眼光
失去了光芒
即使小小的手掌
也有权飞翔

大大的梦想
失去了力量
哪儿有大大的肩膀
温暖他心房

明天孩子们会有希望
会长出耀眼的翅膀
照着那温暖的风和光
轻轻地飞扬

The world we live in can do with giving
A child today is a child of our tomorrow
I've seen the children who have been broken
By wars and hunger and natural disaster
So broken

When tomorrow comes we must have hope

We must reach out to every single child
When tomorrow comes we spread our love
And make it a better day

生活会有悲和喜
We've gotta pray and do our best
只有伸出我们的手
To bring you a better a tomorrow

明天孩子们会有希望
会长出耀眼的翅膀

HUngry!!!

2008-08-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

My chalet

Resting place outside my chalet

This are the food that they had for dinner today @ El Sanctuary

Feeling so hungry now...its only 11.41pm....about 16 more hours to go now...A lot of food is appearing in my mind and I am yearning for so many types of food...."I wan KFC", "I wan steamboat", even cup noodles is so appealing to me right now.

Just now...as I watch they preparing the BBQ chicken for dinner, it looks so tempting..the aroma of it and the look of it..Watching everyone eat all good food and BBQ, I can only watch but not eat. And at that moment, it just came across my mind...is this what the children and the poor feels? They are hungry most of the time, no money to buy any food and they can only watch and watch as they walk by shops that sells bread or food...and seeing people eating in the restaurant.

We always take food for granted but imagine what the child is feeling as she or he looks into the window of the restaurant or shop...wishing they could have a bite...

I can go on...I can fast for 30 hours only cause of 1 reason. Only one thing thats keeps me going and pressing on no matter how tempted I feel to give up... My pain is nothing as compared to them...my suffering and hunger is only temporary as compared to those that are homeless and have to suffer from hunger nearly every moment of their life. Everyday they could only have 1 meal the most but most of the time....they suffer from hunger...

God, please break my heart for what breaks Yours when You see Your people suffering.

I learn again this year..more of a reminder...be thankful and never take things for granted! Never complain for what we have but be thankful that we have it. No matter how little we have...still be thankful for the little that we have...

A busy day...

2008-08-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

Today is a busy day..whole day from the time i wake up till now one after another.. but I feel contented and happy :)
This afternoon was my first class for this semester, elective class (Business study)I find myself enjoying the lecture so much.. i think too many psychology papers all these years...business is something fresh and so straight forward :)

Went to Kajang and had a wonderful time with the Open Hands girls...We sing, dance, play, learn and laugh together. The smile on their faces worth all the time we spend preparing and going there despite our tiredness and busy schedule. The girls are really energetic..and they really can dance...wow...they are so "rock n hip"....got our jaws dropped open..

Worship time

Games & a time of bonding

They love this song so much - One way

Group photo - Open Hands gals & IPIK cell

We leave bout 5 plus and I travel straight to World Vision Office in Kelana Jaya to get some stuff done...was really exhausted when I reached home...drop dead on bed and slept for about 2 hours...

Now..after this..need to prapare for the famine activities and pack for church camp tomorrow.

So many things to do but yet worth it...looking forward for camp in El Sanctuary, Malacca and Famine countdown this Sunday at Bukit Jalil Stadium....

Photos will be uploaded soon :) patient ya....

TIme in Ipoh

2008-08-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

Traveled back from Ipoh today. Was feeling mix emotions as the bus leave and approaches Ipoh toll... I don't feel like leaving...but yet excited to the things ahead back in KL. I don't feel like leaving home as I was waiting for the taxi to take me to the bus station and yet I miss my bed in KL. I miss the time spend with Papa, Mummy, Sarah,San,Mon yee & Simmy...I miss the best "tau foo fah" and "tau ching" which I will not miss out every time I go back.

I remember as I arrived on Monday night, I felt "strange" and not use to my own home....I have not been back for about 2 months.. Mummy cooked my favorite meal on that day...prawn sambal and chicken soup...it was so good & i feel "um kau hau"...it was such a long time since I last tasted home cook food.

Watched "Heart of Greed" with family on Tuesday night...That was my 3rd time watching it..I was watching just for the sake of the time with my family..sitting together, talking, watching movie, laughing... Papa and mummy went up to sleep earlier... left Sarah, Emily and myself...

Sarah suddenly burst out in tears....my heart ached see her like this...I wanted to hug her tight..to hold her close and to tell her that I love her. I place my hand around her shoulder and help her to wipe away her tears but she pushed my hand away. I was there sitting beside her, with my hand still on her shoulder, looking at her and asking her to share out whats troubling her and encouraged her to talk out...but she only reply "nothing"..."Nothing.."

As I continue looking at her, my heart really feel the pain and a deep compassion for her. I wanted to help her, to go through whatever she is going through together with her...if only she open up and allow me to do so....I had the urge to cry together with her and my heart was having this weird emotions that I could not express in words....as I sit there and watch her. In my heart, I was praying, praying that God will help her through, praying that God will heal her and restore her joy again... I wish that time that I can take over her place and face all the difficult times and pain that she is going through. I wish I can take over her suffering so that she can be happy and joyful. I remembered when she was a child, she used to laugh a lot and make all of us laugh. She was a joyful kid and a very sweet and adorable child...

"Sarah,I love you. Yes many times I feel frustrated with you and I really do not understand you but I love you. You will always be my best and only sister and nothing will change that. I wish you will be happy always and grow up to be a wonderful young lady."

"Lord, please teach me to be a good sister to her. Help me to remain patient to her and teach me what to do and what can I do Lord to help her... "

After so long...

2008-08-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today just before I went to Pudu..I was having lunch at Out break steak house in Bangsar Village when mummy called. She told me my uncle, "the person that I do not want to see" is here at my home. I was like..."wat the... what is he doing here....why does he has to be back here the same time with me..."
I am still not ready to see him again. Haiz....

After so long, I never think bout him again. I realize at that moment I have bitterness in my heart towards him and maybe a little of hatred as well. I really despite him for the way he treated his wife. Saw him just now...before that I was hesitating...should I call him or just ignore him...well, finally I did call him just for the sake of the little respect that I still have for him.

I realize that I need to forgive as well and to love him as a family member..God please help me in this!

So much in love...

2008-08-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning...feeling your love that overwhelm me. I woke up...thinking of how much you love is for me, how real is your love for me and how stable is your love for me...a love that will always be there and remain the same yesterday, today and forever. You give me reason to continue my life, you give new meaning to my life, you are my source of strength in facing the many storms and waves that hits me. I love You...if it is not for you and your love...I doubt my life will be of any meaning.
Thank you for your love again as I open my eyes this morning. Thank you for being there to go through this day with me. I know I can go through this day with smile on my face and assurance just because you are here. I will never want to leave you. At last, I found a true and real love. A love that is so real and pure and sincere. You required nothing from me and yet pour out your love so much upon my life. Thank you.

Lost & found

2008-08-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

Was feeling so tired and I just couldn't get to open my eyes as the alarm went off in the morning..only manage to fall asleep at 6 plus in the morning and need to wake up at 9 plus...my eyes was swollen and I do look like panda.
Anyhow, manage to drag my self out of my bed and went to church. I went for my facial and spa appointment after prayer meeting.Was so relaxing during the spa and enjoying every moment of it... as usual, there is always a time for everything... a time for extraction! Ouch...it was really really so painful..nearly jump off the facial bed and asked her to stop! tears of pain were forming at the corner of my eyes and every muscle of my body were tensed up....at last finally...it ended...a short but painful moment. The next thing that I enjoy most every time during my facial was the shoulder and face massage. It was just great and relaxing.

Went to Leisure mall after that, was just walking around with no intention of finding or buying anything... but I found something :D I found exactly the same ring that I lost the other day at The Gardens... I was surprise to be able to find it as I was looking for it the day after I lost it and was told that that model of ring is out of stock....I leave the shop, smiling and happily wearing the new "lost and found" ring.

Returning to the embrace of my father.....

2008-08-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

I was feeling so empty, so down nearly the whole morning and evening...so alone and lost..in the midst of my loneness and emptiness, my father calling me back to him... in His still small voice...asking me to run back to His embrace where His arms is wide open waiting for me.
Tears were flowing down my cheeks...i was kneeling on my bed sobbing and weeping...I told him..

"I am so tired of running and trying to face the many things in my life with my own strength. I need You so much. Pa, I am sorry..sorry from turning my face away from You,sorry for being disobedient to You.. Pa, please forgive me. I cannot bear to have to live my life without You. I love you, Pa and I am truly truly sorry... I know I have hurt you and I know I have disappoint You" ....there is much more I wanted to express in between my weeping...but my father....as He usher me into His comforting arms..."shhh.....it's ok my child...no matter what, I love you and I am and will always be here for you. No one or nothing can separate me and my love from you..." "But Pa..." I tried to protest.... " Shhhhh....its ok my dear child, just rest in me now, rest in my embrace and let me share your pain" He responded as He wipe away the tears from my face and tighten His arms around me, as I nested my head upon His shoulder. Great comfort fills every part of my heart..the heaviness that I felt moments ago were gone.

I spent a long time with my Father and I feel my tiredness and burden slowly dissolving as I focus on His love for me. I felt refreshed. Nothing really matters anymore...there is no other place than being in the warm loving embrace of my Father once again. That night, my heart felt lighter and I felt joy and love. Pa spoke to me many things....He assured me of His love for me...the love that I should never doubt..the love that is so real!

I realize and remember once again....that the Father's love will never leave us nor condemn us but accept us just as we are no matter what it cost! That is how deep His love for me and for you and for each and everyone of us.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
Romans 8:1-2

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither heights nor depth, not anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38 -39

This song really touches my heart as we sang it during cell group at night...again it just remind me of this great love that no one can truly comprehend.

Kasih yang sempurna telah
Ku terima dariMu
Bukan ker'na kabaikanku
Hanya oleh kasih Kurnia Mu
Kau pulihkan aku layakkanku
Tuk dapat memanggilMu, Bapa

Kau beri yang kupinta
Saat kumencari kumendapatkan
Ku ketuk pintuMu dan Kau bukakan
Sebab Kau Bapaku, Bapa yang kekal

Takkan Kau biarkan
Ku melangkah hanya sendirian
Kau selalu ada bagiku
Sebab Kau Bapaku, Bapa yang kekal

LOVE

Til death do us part...

Complicated Simple Matter....

Above all....

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL....

Good Bye DOULOS... 29 Dec 2009

7 Nov 2009 - Azney's wedding

5 Nov 2009 - Dry dock extended

5 Nov 2009 - Cloudy meat balls...

21 Oct 2009 - MIA

20 Oct 2009 - I am truly, sincerly sorry...

15 Oct 2009 - Do not judge....

13 Oct 2009 - My childhood dream...

1 2 Oct 2009 - Forgiveness

13 Oct 2009 - I had a dream

Here am I , Send me to the nations...

10 Oct 2009 - Saturday...Piece & pieces of here & there...

29 Sept 09 - Life on MV DOULOS...

26 Sept 09 - onboard MV DOULOS

25 Sept 09 - the final moment....

counting...

Gift from Kayoko

Kayoko in Msia

Sun..

Fri...

Japan 2007

Sad...

My little darlings...

MIA

HUngry...

Tired.....

Bit Bit new fren....Nit Nit

Return of Bit Bit (Pit Pit)

A little bit or here... A little of there.....

Finally

Thesis..thesis...& THESIS...

CLEO gals dinner...

Thesis... & Bit Bit (Pit Pit)

A Tribute to Litlte Dino...

Lover of my soul...

Touched,,

Kenangan Zaman Sekolah....

Emo...

Back

Waves..one after another...

Memory.......In Kanazawa, Japan

REMINDER.....

yEAH YEAH.....

Flying Roach......*@#%&^%*(&*^$#@

Just a little update..

BUSY!! BUSY!! BUSY!!

STILL

SIck...

Hot....Hot...Hot...

2008...A year of Giants for me...

two ends...

What is wrong wif me??!!!

So many things...

The winner takes it all (Abba)

Featuring....the little cousins...

Day trip on Raya

Back to Ipoh...

Reflection & Insight...

You deserve the glory...

OM Partnership Event...

My time in Marriott...

BOILING REACHED 120C....

BLOOD BOILING HOT!

Another thing done....

One thing done...

So nervous....

Beautiful song

Love...forgiveness....

Langkawi trip...

Alone again,,,,

Results out....

Another day of my life....

CLoudy day....

God's provision..

Things getting back to normal...

Flying Roach......@#%&^%(&*^$#@